Sweltering Cigarette
by Novelnova
Summary: It's Gordie and Chris' last year in Castle Rock. Strong language and sexual content. Chris/Gordie. Chapter 12 is rated M.
1. Chapter 1

"It's so fucking hot." I complained, watching smoke roll off the end of my cigarette. I was hanging it out the window so my mom wouldn't notice the stale smell later. School had been out for a few weeks and Chris Chambers and I had run out of things to do already. We'd read a bunch of old magazines, tried watching T.V., attempted to play catch, but most days we ended up in my room playing cards while my fan turn lazily circulating warm air around the room.

We were too old for the tree house where we used to play with Vern and Teddy. It was sagging hopelessly. We were all too tall to sit Indian-style and look at old nudie magazines we'd nicked from our older brothers. Even though we built it, another group of kids had taken it. I was betting one of them would fall through the dry-rotted floor one of these days.

"Shut the hell up, you whining ain't gonna make it any better." Chris huffed, his face flushed from the heat. He was frowning at the card he just drew from the deck. I pitched my cigarette out the window. I drew, I had a shit hand. I tossed my cards down in frustration.

"But it is. God!" I yanked at my collar and attempted to swallow the lump in my throat. My mouth was too dry. If it was going to be this hot all summer, I wasn't going to survive. "I'm on fire." I gritted my teeth and tugged on my shirt. I was sweating a lot.

"Lachance, why don't we just go swimming?" He drew again and smirked at me, laying down his cards. Why didn't we think of that sooner, rather than suffering?

"Yeah." I said, straightening my legs and pulling the damp part of my jeans from the back of my jeans. Chris did the same, "Why didn't you say something sooner?" I grinned.

"We're too lazy to think in this heat." Chris said moving towards the window. He swung his legs onto the window sill and steadied himself with one hand. He jumped landing perfectly on a tree branch. He always did, my window with the use of this tree was like the front door to him. I copied his moves, but I stumbled holding onto the trunk with my hands. I usually didn't use the tree unless I was sneaking out which didn't happen often.

He maneuvered from branch to branch siftly like a monkey, until it was safe to jump; he landed lightly in the grass, and stared up. Looking down at him, he was small, even though if I were standing next to him he was a good two inches taller than me. "What are you waiting for Gordie?" He teased.

"Nothing." I grumbled trying to figure out how to get down to the last branch without falling and breaking my bones. Finally I made it, and then jumped for it, landing in an awkward crouch.

"Way to waste half the day." Chris laughed, and dragged me into his one armed hug. We were off through Castle Rock to the creek. The creek was connected to the Royal River somewhere, the same river where we had found Ray Brower four years earlier with Vern and Teddy who had almost disappeared completely from our lives.

There were times when I'd think about Teddy and Vern and how close we used to be and feel sentimental. I'd remember us singing off key and giving each other shit over the stupidest things. I saw my first dead body with them; aim a gun at one of the most bad-ass hoods in Castle Rock history with them standing by. That seemed like the million years ago.

The streets were almost empty as we carried on, but the occasional car would pass moving Chris and me up onto the side walk. "I can't wait." Chris said walking a little faster the closer we got, and soon we were sprinting towards the creek. We both were pouring sweat and all I could think about was how great the water was going to feel.

"There it is." I said in awe, as if I'd never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. While Chris was next to me, kicking off his shoes, and pulling off his socks, and I did the same. I was down to just my jeans when he collided against me and we tumbled into the cool water. "Hey asshole!" I choked out, as he dunked me under repeatedly. That fucker was going to drown me. I pulled his hands off me, listening to his laughter. "You're dead Chambers!" I lunged after him, pushing his shoulders down. Although he had grabbed the heavy fabric of my pants and hauled me down with him into the dark water, I opened my eyes to see him staring back at me, with that stupid smirk on his face.

I couldn't breathe. I finally got my head above the water, choking and sputtering, his laughter filling up the air. "Calm down Lachance." He splashed me.

I splashed back, " I could've drowned, you dick!" I exclaimed, sort of laughing. I was trying to get the water out of my ears. Shaking my head and digging at my ears.

"You could not've!"

"Could to!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

He moved closer, squinting against the sun that beat down on to the water, "Gordie I would never let you drown." His tone was serious, his eyes staring straight into mine.

"Yeah, because who else would help you study?" I said trying to lighten the emotion in his eyes.

"None of them wet rags that's for sure." He snorted.

We laughed, and floated on our backs the better part of the afternoon. Talking about nothing and a lot of things at the same time, we usually did. Nothing too serious, that's what Chris was good for, understanding without it being a big deal. We were silent for a while.

"Gordie?"

"Yes Chris?"

"What are you thinking about?"

I didn't know how to answer, I was thinking about the last time Chris, Teddy, Vern and I had been together, again. I was thinking about how Chris and I spent almost all our time together. "Old stuff."

"Oh."

"What about you?"

"About how if you drown, I'd flunk out, if I didn't die." He was moving back to the bank. I followed.

"If you didn't die?" My eyebrow rose in question, as we climbed up on the soggy embankment. I had no idea what he meant.

"Who else would I hang with if you were gone, man?" We began to gather our shirts, and shoes.

"I don't know." I shrugged, Chris and I always ate lunch together, studied and hung out on weekends, and we didn't really have anyone else.

"Exactly." He winked. Then the subject changed to our soaked jeans. We sat out in the sun, and let them dry.

"I feel like a fream." I sighed staring off into the water.

"A fream? We're not freams, we fit in. We ain't Artie Johnson, Gordie." I laughed as Chris mentioned Artie Johnson, who sat by himself at lunch and usually talked to himself; he wore those thick coke bottle glasses much like Teddy was still stuck with.

"If either of us drown, we'd be like him."

"Nah," Chris turned to me, "I'd just go hang with him."

I looked at Chris, "Well if he's so cool then why don't you hang out with him?" I joked.

"Because you're better, and you don't talk to yourself." He smirked at me and hit my shoulder.

And on that afternoon, down by the creek one thing hit me; I couldn't live without Chris Chambers. Those eyes looking back at me, it was just hard to process at the time, I didn't realize what had happened until later between us.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Sorry it took me forever, I promise if school isn't so hellish I'll update more often.

A sweltering cigarette, that's what made the mark on Chris' arm. I couldn't help but stare at the pinkish mark right near the join of his elbow. He was leaning over one of my old comic books. We had decided that we wouldn't get used to the cool water of the creek. We would only use it on those especially hot days. The radio across the room was cranking out Buddy Holly's voice but this still couldn't distract me from the welt on Chris' arm.

"Who burnt you?" I said flipping the page of the comic under me, I wasn't really pay attention to it, it's had taken me ten minutes to read a single page.

"Eyeball." He answered without looking up.

"I thought Eyeball wasn't in Castle Rock anymore." I stated looking down at the characters drawn on the page. Eyeball had left just after he graduated he had gotten engaged to some girl named Mary Lou, a protestant, of course. They were married last fall, if I was recalled correctly.

"They came for visit, we were playin' chicken." He looked up at me. I was certain his father hadn't burnt him, Chris was too old for his whippings, and after a drunk brawl with another man and almost losing his own eye he stopped being so violent in his drunken stupors.

I nodded at his arm, "You won?"

"We tied." He placed his hand over the mark, "It's a battle scar." He laughed, eyes glinting in the morning light. He had gotten to my house early, right when the sun was coming up. The sky was orange when he knocked on my window.

He turned back to the comic and started to hum a familiar tune, I didn't pick up on what it was until he started to mumble the words to it, "A knight without armor in a savage land." My thoughts jumped to Teddy, who was still trying to get into the army. He would always sing it.

I sat up on my bed and looked down at Chris on the floor, "You remember Teddy?"

"Of course." Chris' eyes peeked above the cover art.

"Man, I haven't seen him in forever."

"Me neither. I bet he's still crazy as hell-"

"- And Vern's still gullible." Our laughter filled the room. I still wonder if those guys ever talked about Chris and I. We went back to our books, and soon I found myself not paying attention to the story once again. My eyes floated over the room, and on Chris whose brow was furrowed in the climax of the story. My eyes drifted closed. A sudden tired wave mauled over me, and I was asleep.

I woke up I don't know how long I was sleeping but Johnny Cash was now on the radio, and I was looking at the back of my eyelids. I was on my stomach, and I had felt this weight on my back.

I opened my eyes, and Chris' face was inches from mine. He was breathing lightly, and dead in slumber. I tried not to move to wake him. We had both been up early. His arm was lazily thrown on my back. I just slipped my eyes closed and went back to sleep.

"Gordie?" my vision was hazed, but it was now afternoon, and I was on my back looking up. Chris was over me, hand waving in front of my face, the heat was choking me.

"Uh." I grunted.

"Hey." His voice was soft, my vision was staring to clear, I could see an in focus Chambers now.

"What?" I groaned, rubbing my eyes. I wish I could just sleep through the day and be awake for the cool of the night.

"Your mom is calling us for lunch." My mother had warmed up to Chris over the years, not like she was another mother, but to the point where she called him by name and had let him stay for dinner a few nights after studying. I was going to sit up but Chris was still over me, just looking at me.

"Oh, well…" I said looking toward the door. He moved back and was waiting for me to lead the way to the kitchen, which I did.

My mother had fixed us peanut butter sandwiches, and had left for town. We sat at the table in the kitchen eating the sticky substance and washing it down with milk. Chris interpreted the topic of how his mother licks up vomit, "Gordie you've got some peanut butter on your face."

"Where?"

"Your face."

"I know dumb ass where on my face."

Chris pointed to the corner on his own mouth, I wiped both corners of my mouth. It was still there. "Did I get it?"

"No."

"Well where is it?"

Chris leaned over with his napkin and wiped it away. We locked eyes, like we did when being serious, it was uncomfortable, and I looked away first. He recoiled his arm and looked down at his empty plate. "What to go for a walk?"

I cleared the dishes away, putting them in the sink for my mom, she won't appreciate it, but she'd expect it.

We left my house, and followed the dirt path back into the woods behind the house, Chris had said, "Why go through town like we always do, that's boring." The path behind my house was over grown with grass and fern plants. The trees stood crooked and solemn making the summer sun dim. The walkway was narrow, but it was still big enough for us to walk side by side. He was my arms length away. "Our last summer." I sighed thinking about it, the last summer before we graduated, before we went off to college, before we left Castle Rock.

"Yeah, I can wait to get out." Chris said with excitement in his voice. He always said that if he stayed in town people would think of him as an adult the same way they viewed him as a kid, one of them no good Chambers kids.

It was hard to believe everything we had been through. "Yeah, getting out of this town."

"Getting away from these people."

"Going to college, having a lot of girlfriends."

Chris laughed at my remark, "We'll be ladies men!"

"Yes we will! A different girlfriend every week." Something about that sounded hollow but we kept laughing. We were deep in the forest now and Chris was closer to me, not even three inches away. Was the path getting smaller?

Our chuckles subsided it was now quiet. Chris had stopped, "Gordie?"

"Yeah?" I kept walking turning my neck to look at him. He stood perfectly still, I could now feel the heat of the day, it was thick and setting in. I stopped and turned to face him when he didn't say anything.

"I wanted to…" Before I knew it he had knocked me to the ground and the only think running through my mind was what had gotten into Christopher Chambers.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The only reason this got done so quickly is because I had an idea, and a snow day to write. :)**

**Sorry about the spelling errors in all the chapters, I stink at proof reading.**

**Thank you for the nice reviews also; it's nice to know people read this.**

Chris had me down, I was looking up at him and beyond his head were the trees, and little bits of the sky. "Wanted to what-" I began but I was cut off. Cut off by Chris Chambers' lips. His eyes were closed; his hair, which had grown a little longer, was hanging over me. My first reaction was shoving him off, I moved my hands to his shoulders and began to push, but Chris didn't budge. He grabbed my arms and moved them to my sides without stopping or opening his eyes.

There was no moving, just his pressed against mine. I closed my eyes as well because my vision was getting blurry. They were rough, and flat. Not waxy and too large like most of the girls that I had kissed. There was a feeling in my gut; it felt warm and a little queasy.

I felt his weight shift, his hands were on my wrists, I couldn't think straight, I just couldn't. There was my best friend whom was a boy kissing me. He pulled away. "Gordie?"

My brain told me that I should be really miffed off, I should open my eyes and beat him to a pulp, at least that what any other guy would do if they were me. I didn't open my eyes. "Yeah Chris?"  
"Are you mad?" I squeezed my eyes tight; his weight was still on me, his hands on my wrists. "Gordie?"

"I'm thinking." My brow was furrowed.

"You can sock me in the jaw if you want, I wouldn't blame you." I opened my eyes and he was frowning at me.

"I'm not going to sock you." I tried to sit up. Chris stepped off of me still holding on my wrist until he was far enough to left go; he jumped back as I got up. He eyed me suspiciously. "What?" I barked.

"You're not gonna hit me?"

"No."

"Why not?" He asked following me as I walked a little farther down the path.

"Do you want me to?" I said whipping around he was and inch away from me.

"No, it's just…" He looked down and took a step back. Chris Chamber's would never back away from me, not even if I was pissed or upset he would always be there to pull me into his one armed hug. "I just needed to do it Gordie."

"Do what?" I said through clenched teeth. This was awkward; I don't know what was keeping me from punching him, or why I was so mad at myself for not being mad at Chris.

"Kiss you." He looked up at me, and continued before I could open my mouth, "It's just that I had this weird dream about you last night, after we had gotten back from the creek and we were talking about how if you drowned. Gordie you did drown and I was so scared. That's why I was at your house so early this morning. I had to make sure it wasn't real." I stood there listening to him. The look on his face was so displaced.

"Then here we are walking and I just got the urge to. Just like when you get all dress up to meet a girl and you have the urge to kiss her at the door when you pick her up but her dad would kill you and –"

"Chris."

"Yeah Gordie, I'm trying to – "

"Shut up." I shot him a look. He was going to keep babbling, Chris only talked excessively if something was bothering him. "I'm not mad at you, I'm not going to hit you." I turned and stalked off down the path. I didn't understand why I wasn't mad at him, or why my stomach felt the way it did when he kissed me, with his non-girl lips. I could hear his footsteps behind me.

"It didn't weird you out?"

"It weird-ed me out a lot." He was right beside me now looking down at me, stupid two inches. "Chris it was weird." His frown drooped more. "It wasn't like kissing Patty Jenkins."

"You kissed Patty!" Chris looked shocked, "You never told me that! You said you two just went out for a coke."

"Yeah, well she cornered me! Her huge lips attacked me." He started to laugh, and then he remembered the awkward situation at hand and stopped. "Attacked me like someone people I know." His eyes slid in Chris' direction.

"So I don't have huge lips?"

"No, and you don't wear a gallons of lipstick." Chris chuckled and put his arm around Gordie and pulled him into a hug. Gordie didn't mind that was the Chris he knew not the awkward one. We carried on quietly for a while.

"What did you think of it?" He asked stopping.

"I'm not sure." I wasn't, I was confused because that day before the walk in the woods there was the Chris Chambers that I knew, the one who would give punch me in the arm, or race me through the junkyard not kiss me on the lips and then ask me how I felt. "My stomach felt weird. I think we should head back." It must have been an hour since we had left, so we turned around and walked back.

Before we got too close to my house, Chris turned to me, "Was that a one time thing?"

"What do you think? Chris, it's strange if guys kiss."

"I'm not stupid, Gordie, I know, but…" He leaned down and did it again. Rough lips on mine and I didn't shove him back or sock him in the jaw like I should've like dad would want me too. I pulled away.

"Did your stomach feel weird that time?"

"Yeah."

"Like you're going to throw up."

"No, but if I did your mother would lick it up." We laughed. "It wasn't all that bad." I started toward my house again, Chris at my side.

I knew what had happened was wrong. I knew if my parents saw it their eyes would fall out of their heads. If Chris' dad saw he'd kill him and come to finish me off, because being a queer is wrong.

But with Chris it felt normal…kind of.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This took me a day to complete, so sorry about the typos, the shortness of it. I wanted to update :)**

I was in my room, trying to sleep. Chris had gone home shortly after we got out of the woods. He left like he usually did nothing awkward, nothing out of the ordinary; he just got up and left. Although that's all I could think about after he wasn't in my room anymore.

It was too hot to sleep. I was on top of the covers, with the lights off so I couldn't make out the time on the clock across the room. I needed a cigarette. Maybe that would get my mind off of Chambers.

I dug under my mattress; it was cool in-between it and the box spring. I pulled out the flattened pack. One cigarette left. I sighed looking at the squished tobacco stick in my hand. I lit up, and propped myself up on the windowsill letting the smoke roll out into the night.

My parents were fast asleep I could hear my father snoring. I was half hanging out the window, night breeze brushing across my face, but my thoughts drifted back to Chris. About him giving me my first cigarette. I blew out smoke, and poked at the cloud it making it break apart as if it were my thought I was trying to banish.

I stubbed the rest out even though it was only half smoked. Flicking it into the yard below I noticed a figure coming into my yard. I knew the walk. It was of course the bastard that had been haunting my thoughts all afternoon with his stupid kiss. He had a lot of nerve, but I was supposed to be in bed. I slinked back into the darkness of my room.

I peeked and watched him make his way to the tree. He was getting ready to climb up. Now I was getting angry, normally it wouldn't bother me if he came in the middle of the night. It was usually to escape his crazy family, but I knew that wasn't the matter tonight.

Next thing I knew I was face to face with him. Smelling like stale smoke like always. "Gordie." He whispered as he crawled onto my bed, I was now leaning against the wall, I had moved to let him in.

"What?" I cast my gaze over him. I was thoroughly pissed. I could've been asleep if it weren't for his stupid having to try out kissing me. I was a guy; guys don't kiss guys. I was starting to see red

"I couldn't-" I didn't let him finish; I lunged at him, pinning him under me. It was a difficult task to do, especially when you're trying not to make too much noise but he didn't put up a fight. I got in his face, wanting to yell and swear, although I heard the faint snoring drone of my father.

I shout-whispered "Goddamn you Chambers, thinking you can go around a fucking kissing who ever you want because your Chris Chambers and you have all the girls after you, doesn't fucking mean that I want your lips! You shit head!" Then I started wailing on him. My fists made contact with his chest, his face, his neck, and his shoulders. "Asshole! Mother fucker!" He didn't stop me; his lip was bleeding and starting to swell. I stopped. I was blown away that he didn't try to defend himself. "What's your problem? Hit me!" I said in a normal voice trying not to be too loud.

Next thing I knew he had grabbed my arms; his grip was hard his short nails were digging into my skin. So tight that I could feel the blood being stopped off, his fist came up and met my jaw, and I tumbled backwards hitting my head off the wall.

Neither of us moved as the snoring paused, I looked at him and he looked at me and we both glanced at the door. The snoring started again, a sigh passed through me, and Chris wiped the blood from his face. We stared each other down, "Are you done being a psycho?"

"Are you done being so fucking weird?" I hissed out the word bitterly. His face contorted up into an ugly sneer, and he turned the tables and got me against the wall. His face, the look in his eyes, it scared me. I turned my head.

"Look at me." His face was inches from mine. I shut my eyes. His hand grabbed my chin and forced my face upwards. "Look. At. Me." I opened my eyes and stared into his eyes. The eyes that belong to the kid who had been through everything with me, my brother's death, Ace, Ray Brower, junior high, high school. Everything.

"I'm looking at you." I said my voice wavering. Something was twisting up in my gut. I wanted to vomit; I wanted to tell him I was sorry, I wanted…

"Gordie, I…" He trailed off. He tried to calm him self down, I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. "I just-" I smashed my face to his, grabbing at his face. It was the only way for no awkward words to come out of his mouth. There I was just as guilty as he was.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: It seems like every time I went to write this it felt wrong, so even if it's out of character for Chris and Gordie, I'm sorry. If it's confusing, I'm sorry. If it took too long, I'm sorry. Hopefully it won't take me AGES to update again. I'd like to hear feedback. **

I had my face pressed against his so hard my lip had started to bleed, my nose was shoved against his, and it was aching. I opened my eyes to see him staring down at me. I pulled away, my face was sore and he was just leaning over me. All the hate had drained out of me I was limp and tired. His eyes turned to the blood on my cracked mouth he gently rubbed it away, as I gave him a hard glare. I wish I didn't know him so well. I wish we hadn't grown up together, I wish we hadn't been each others' best friends because maybe none of that would've happened. His thumb moved from my mouth to my cheek, and he looked me and I looked at him. Chris leaned down and rested his lips against mine, and a fire sparked inside the pit of my stomach and I kissed back, our lips were moving together, and my arms were around his shoulders and his were around mine in a tight hug.

-----

Read comics, played cards, listened to the radio. Aside from his swollen bottom lip we looked normal, the same Gordie and Chris, we'd always been. Except we were changed in a way, I'd catch myself looking at him in a way I'd never looked at Chris Chamber's before. It honestly scared me.

Every now and then we'd have a night like the one after our walk in the woods. It's been two weeks since then, and June was coming to a close. Two weeks seemed like eternity to me then. We'd always fall asleep, we never went farther then heated kisses. Sometimes it was violent, filled with our fight to be men about it, confused about how our bodies reacted to each other, and other times we'd toss the macho shit out and just act natural about it, like we were kissing some girl. We never talked about it, well until we were to go out to the drive in with some girls.

It was all my mom's idea. She noticed how Chris and I were together everyday with nothing to do, and most of the time he ended up spending the night. So she figured she'd get us out of the house one night with one of her friend's two nieces, who were visiting from a town over. Dad had even let Chris and I borrow the family car.

-----

So there we were. Chris and I waiting on the doorstep of some stranger's house, set up on a blind date by my mom. Our hair combed, shirts fresh, pants ironed, and showered. We were looking pretty 'spiffy'.

The girls came outside onto the porch where Chris and I had been forced to wait the past ten minutes. If we didn't get going soon the movie would start without us. They were blond, almost the same height, had too much make-up on, no doubt if it were their father's house we were standing in front of they would've have a pound of less make up painted on their faces. It wasn't Chris or mine's decision on who was with who it was the girls, the looked at each other, and then us exchanging those glances that girls do, that I will never understand.

The both reached for Chris' arm. I was a little hurt by the action, but the smaller one backed off and smiled at me. "Shall we go?"

"Yeah, we'll be late for the movie if we don't go soon."

We all piled into the car and drove off.

When we arrived we all squeezed into the front seat. The two girls whose names were Judy and Jenny, in-between Chris and I, a zombie movie was flicking on the massive screen in front of us. I wasn't really paying attention to it I had my elbow resting in the open window. My eyes moved from the screen over Jenny, and Judy's engrossed expressions for the movie to Chris' face.

He was zoning out, the movie wasn't even on his mind. Something terrifying happened on the screen and Judy grabbed Chris' arm, and Jenny grabbed her sisters, leaving me out. I didn't mind much. I kept looking at Chris, who was looking down at Judy. She smiled at him and he smiled at her. Then she rested her head on his shoulder, and Jenny was too afraid too notice, but I wasn't.

A pang of jealousy hit my stomach and vibrated off and up into my chest. I straightened up in the car seat trying to see their hands. I finally got up high enough to see that her hand was inching close to his, and soon she would lay it on top of his, and he wouldn't move his being the guy he was.

The air was getting thick I was starting to sweat. I swallowed for what felt like the millionth time that minute. I flung open the car door, and declared loud enough for people three cars over to hear, " I'm getting more popcorn!" as I slammed the door and stomped off into the darkness.

Chris found me slumped behind the concessions building five minutes later. "What was that about?" He asked looking down at me.

"I'm getting popcorn."

"Yeah, it looks like it." He sunk down next to me. I turned my head from him looking past the chain fence and the field beyond that.

"I am." He nudged my shoulder. I looked around doubting anyone could hear us over the roar of the movie, and no one was behind the concessions they were attached to their friends and sweethearts. "Fine." I looked him in the eye.

He made a noise of worry "You're jealous, Gordie-"

"Am not."

"Are to."

"Am not!"

"ARE TO!" I shoved him and stood up.

"Chamber's I'm not jealous of some girl. I'm not a faggot. I'm not a jealous faggot. We're on a double date with two pretty girls and I'm getting us some fucking popcorn!" I turned and headed to get some popcorn.

When I was handing the guy across the counter the money for the corn, I saw Chris out of the corner of my eye. He was stalking back to the car kicking a can hard. It skittered to a halt and when he got close enough he kicked it harder sending it airborne and it smacked into someone's car. They leaned out the window and shouted something and Chris just ignored them and climbed back into my father's car.

I slowly walked holding the hot oily bag in both my hands. I saw the shadows in the car; Chris was whispering something to Judy.

I quickened my pace, and got into the car, forcing the bag into Jenny's hands. Chris and Judy were getting cozy and I didn't like the sounds of her giggles as I tried to watch the movie. I glanced over at a loud giggle and I saw Judy blushing and looking at Chris and Chris was looking at me with spite in his eyes. I looked away. Pain welled in my chest, that bastard. The credits started rolling, and Chris and Judy hopped in the back for the ride home. My eyes flickered to the rearview mirror every ten seconds.

She was hanging all over him, and he was smirking at me. I hated him. I never thought I could say such a thing about Chris, but I did. In my mind, I hated him he was a terrible person. I didn't know the man sitting in the back seat wearing Chris' face.

When we dropped the girls up they thanked us for the movie, and Jenny headed inside, and Judy kissed Chris on the cheek as I stared daggers. Once they were inside, no doubt gushing about the kiss, and once Chris and I were in the car on the road to my house, "What the fuck is your problem!" I exclaimed looking at him.

Anger twisted my face, he looked at me, "You're not jealous, Gordie, you said it your self. You ain't a faggot."

"Shut the fuck up."

"So I don't know why you're so upset, not being a fag and all. I mean did you see her, she would've let me grope her if I wanted to." Who was this person? I didn't say anything; I felt tears prick my eyes. I wasn't a fag. There was nothing to cry about. I clenched my jaw and focused on the road.

"Cat got your tongue?"

I pulled off to the side of the road. We were away from the town somewhere in the country I'd missed the turn off for my house I was so disgruntle. "Listen you piece of shit! You started this fucking mess! You had to be my best friend, you had to take all my classes, and be so Chris like! You HAD to kiss me, and send my views upside down and make me hate myself for being so wrong and disgusting in everyone else's eyes if I told them, and then you go off and talk about how you could've touched some sluts tit, you fucked up bastard, I hate you Christopher Chambers, I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

I shouted, I felt a tear escape the corner of my eye, and I jammed the heel of my hand into my face to wipe it away before he saw, "I don't understand anything anymore, you fucked it all up." I whispered. He looked hurt and defeated, like the person I knew before the movie, before anything had happened. I forced myself to look away and I started to cry. Not little tears and a whimper. Heaving sobs, which sound like I was having my soul wrenched away from my body. I felt like screaming at the moon, and god.

"Gordie?" His voice was distant.

"Leave me alone. I'm a jealous faggot." He scooted over to me and put his arms around me. I cried on his shoulder making his shirt wet at the shoulder. He shushed me and told me it was going to be okay as he rubbed my back. He explained about the movies about Judy, about how we never talked about the problem between us. The place where we were between friendship and that other thing, that thing that no one would accept and he got me to stop crying and kissed my forehead, and drove me home. "I love you Gordie."

That wouldn't be the last time I cried over that Chamber's kid.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I used lines from the actually movie, just cut out some words, see if you can remember the missing words. I didn't want to copy it all. I've got Greasers and Socs on the brain. I'm reading The Outsiders (amazing read it.) **

We didn't talk on the way back to my house and when we got in the front door my mother was there in her bedroom robe. She asked us about the movie, about the girls. We told her how nice they both were, and that we were glad to get out of the house.

She gave me a hug and surprisingly gave Chris a short one as well, said goodnight, and headed to bed. Chris and I stood there awkwardly in the dark. Hot air lay heavily around us, the house settled and creaked. The way that used to scare me right after Denny died. When I would hide under the covers even though I was a bit too old to believe that would save me from seeing his ghost. Sometimes I still did, even though I was too old to believe in his ghost.

I could hear us breathing and crickets off in the distance, I heard his voice in my head. What he told me, '_Gordie, I needed to know. You didn't talk about it you just went along. Gordo you hafta talk about it.'_ Didn't he realize it was embarrassing? It was wrong?

"Do you think I'm weird?" Chris' voice broke through the dark. I shifted to face him.

"Definitely." I'd asked him the same thing when we went to see Ray Brower.

"No, seriously. Am I weird?"

"Yeah, but everybody's weird." He grabbed my hand and held onto it so tight it hurt.

We had climbed the stairs, and I had settled down onto my bed. We had shed our shoes, and changed into pajamas, well I did. Chris changed into cut-off blue jeans. I didn't realize how tired I really was, my eyes stung from all those stupid tears. Where boys supposed to cry? I never saw my dad cry, or Denny, and I couldn't imagine men tough as nails as Chris' old man or Ace (even if he did back down from a loaded gun). But, I'd seen Chris cry, but that was when we were kids. When we didn't know anything.

I scooted over and gave him room to fit next to me on my bed. It seemed to be narrower with two almost full-grown boys on it, almost men. I closed my eyes to give that stinging a rest.

"Gordo?"

"Hm Chris."

"I'm sorry."

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, my head felt full; I couldn't open my eyes if I wanted to. "Why?"

"For kissing you, guys don't kiss guys."

"I know."

"I mean, if I'd never done that we'd be Chris and Gordie. Checking out girls like the ones we took to the movie, you wouldn't be calling your self a jealous faggot. Gordie you're not a faggot." I could hear his voice low, in my ear. He knew my mom wasn't asleep yet.

"Then what am I?" I snapped a little too loud, I lowered my voice, "What am I, Chris?"

"I dunno, Gordie. It's not like you're out looking at guys."

He was right. I didn't look at anyone; I didn't look at girls, or guys after the little incident in the woods. I opened my eyes to see him right there. His eyes level with mine.

I wanted to be normal. I sure as hell knew Chris wanted to be normal. He wanted to make something of himself for forever. Be more then one of those no good Chambers kids. He suffered through the 'smart' classes, had me help him study. He was trying.

I needed to be normal. I wanted to be good at baseball like Denny, make my dad proud, make it seem like he didn't hate me so much, then I grew up and noticed he just missed my brother so much just couldn't love me enough.

Normal. Chris and I would never be normal, it was something we thought we saw everyday and we couldn't reach out and grab it.

"Yeah." I finally said. My throat felt dry, I felt like crying again, but I wasn't a girl. If I was a faggot, I wasn't a girl. I clenched my jaw. I acted more submissive with him. The way I got jealous, I knew him and I couldn't huddle in the backseat like him and Judy had.

Anger twisted in me. "You know what makes me madder then hell?"

He just looked at me, as if his eyes were saying yes for him.

"The fact that this isn't right? How come men and women can be all over each other and it's okay? Why is it wrong!"

Wrong floated out into the darkness of my room, I half expected my mom to come in and see what was the matter, but she didn't.

"'Cause it's in the bible, Gordo, 'cause men ain't supposed to be with men. It's how it is." The way he said it, it sounded like he wasn't talking about the thing more then friendship between us, it was like we were at the dime store and had seen a newspaper talking about it.

I thought back to walking down those paths, him tackling me to the ground. Everything changed that day. It made us older, made us strange. Made us a different Gordie and Chris, or was it 'Gordie and Chris'? Our names had seemed to follow each other's since grade school, what changed it? In one summer afternoon the whole foundation of a friendship had been rocked, and the future changed. I thought too much for my own good.

Always going. Always making up stories. Stories that had entertained my dead brother, two lost friends, and the guy next to me who I didn't know what in the hell he was anymore. What would happen when school started?

I had too many questions for my own good as usual.

I nodded; the tears I was fighting disappeared. My eyes weren't wet, my chest didn't hurt, and I just lay there looking at the ceiling. "Chris, we'll never be normal." I looked back down towards him, his eyes were closed and he didn't say anything.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Well, I wrote this, and read over it, and it must have a million typos, and I find it to be out of character, but you know what I'm never content, I'm a slacking perfectionist. Thank you reviewers! I like the feedback; I like knowing what you enjoyed about the post.**

When I woke up my bedroom door was open, there was a note by the bed. It was from my mom, explaining how she'd be in town. I tried to lie down without stirring Chris; he was still out like a light. And just as before I had fallen asleep last night, my head flooded with thoughts, with everything that had happened that night. _'Gordie, I needed to know'_ it echoed in my brain.

The more I thought about it, I began to wonder what he was talking about, needed to know that I liked him, that I loved him, that I cared, or that I wanted him the way he wanted me. How did I see him? I looked down at him, his eyes moving behind the closed lids. He told me that he loved me. Chris and I had been best friends; we'd implied that love, trust that goes between friends but never that, we never uttered those words. When had we become so serious?

Why was he the one that got to choose, why did he start it? Why didn't I? Because the thought had never crossed my mind until he pounced on me. It never occurred until he shoved his mouth onto mine. Because Chris was a leader and I followed. I frowned to myself, looking at him. Why did he get to lead?

Many a nights we had fought for dominance, punches were thrown. We got violent about it, but the only time I had started it was the night he came to visit me in the middle of the night. When I told him that he was an asshole, and I wasn't kidding. He was messing up my world then, and he was now. Even if he was sleeping just looking at him made me angry. His face, which had shifted into its mature form, I had to think about what we used to look like.

The angles of his face, the shape of his nose, the lips I'd seen swear, and spit, I had kissed. I had kissed them once for myself, every other time he started it. It was like instigating me. It was like saying, "I'm faster them you!" and taking off, he did that to me all the time when we were kids. I got close to him I could feel his breath on my cheek.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I moved quietly away from him, padded across my room, and got dressed, and came back to him on the bed. I was standing there awkwardly, but I had closed the door, there was no reason to feel like I was being watched.

Then I moved, I sat on his stomach, moved my face toward his and waited for his eyes to open.

"Gordie, what the he-" He said without even opening his eyes, and I forced myself on him. Screw what the bible said, forget that we were both guys, don't think about our fathers, and how they would kill us if either saw, wipe fainting mothers from our heads. Just him and I, lips to lips everything else was tossed aside except for the feeling in my gut, the warm feeling, it pulsed it's way up through my chest and rested at the bottom of my throat.

_'Gordie, I needed to know', _well there it was answered last night, and here's the reassurance. He pulled away from me, "What are you doing?"

"I'm doing what you always do to me." I stated triumphantly.

He just shrugged, Chris couldn't deny it, and "This isn't because of what happened at the movies right? You wanted to on your own."

I just kind of nodded, I wasn't sure what was going on with my emotions, I went from angry to now embarrassed. I avoided looking in his eyes. Chris just laughed and pulled me down on the bed next to him. I remembered what I had told him last night, but he didn't answer, he was asleep.

"Chris, you and I will never be normal." I paused, he didn't say anything, "We keep trying you know? You trying to be a good kid, trying to study, staying out of trouble, and I kept trying to make my dad proud, and I keep on trying to make my mom happy. But this, this makes us one more step from being normal."

I looked at him; I looked at his face as I did when he wasn't awake. The same face I saw everyday, it was a comfort, a familiar thing to depend on. I was looking at him hard, without even noticing, everything was the way I pictured it when he wasn't around. I was looking so hard; I almost missed what he said.

"I know." Came quietly from him. Of course he knew.

"Then what are we doing? Why? What's the fucking point, that's all we ever wanted to be."

"Gordie shut the hell up."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"Goddamn it!" He jumped on me, lying over me. "Gordie, you always told me that I had to do better, I had to study hard, you pushed me, and you, you're always trying to please your fucking old man. Gordie what about what we want?"

I lay there underneath him looking at his throat, and not his eyes, anywhere but his eyes.

"I want to get out of this town, away from all these assholes who've been putting my down my whole life. What do you want Gordo? What the hell do you want, you've screamed and whine and cried about things, things that I don't really think matter to you."

I dared a look in his eyes; anger mixed in with something I couldn't name swirled around in his iris. "I cared about Denny. I care about…you." Two people I had cried over, and he'd been there both times. Silence expanded in the room, it filled up all the spaces, even the gap between him and me.

"What do you want." He whispered making me look at him, it wasn't a question it wasn't a statement. It was just words that fell into my room at the end of June.

The word burned my throat, the answer of what I wanted. I wanted to get out; I wanted to be some place where Chris and I could talk about this without being weird or wrong. I thought about Chris and I just being pals again, fishing and talking about girls. It didn't sit right anymore.

"I want."

I extended my arms out and pulled him close to me. My head didn't rest on his chest, I was equal level with him, and my forehead touched his. "This." I stated.

If Chris were a girl, that moment would be cute, if I told my mom she'd aw at me, and hug me. Chris wasn't as girl. I put my hands on the sides of his face. He was my best friend. He was the person I talked to, the person I went on adventures with, we played cards, and read comics and sang along badly with the radio. He was Chris. And with my hands on his face, with our foreheads, with my bedroom door closed, I didn't kiss him and he didn't kiss me. We did it together. We weren't beating the snot out of each other, we weren't screaming, we weren't swearing and letting our hate come out we were just being what seemed nice.

Later that night, he'd come back after grabbing new clothes, after dinner was finished and my parents were well asleep. He appeared at my window like he always did. He smiled at me, for the first time things weren't choppy, or awkward. Even when we had done the whole 'normal' hanging out thing I couldn't help but feel in my stomach the worry.

The radio was on tonight, but I didn't bother to remember who was singing or advertising. We sat on my bed facing each other, we had been trying to play cards, but something just wasn't working, we'd forget if we were playing rummy or go fish. Then I caught him looking at me over my cards, and we started laughing. It wasn't just a chuckle, it was large heaps of it rolling out, and soon we couldn't breathe. Once we talked about that laughed and we never did understand why it was so funny but it was. It was you had to have been there, and even though we were it was just apart of the moment.

Then it took over us, I started out kissing him, and then it got a little more serious. It was slow and then it was fast, and the next thing I knew both our shirts were off, and a part of myself told me it was wrong, but I didn't care, and then it hit me.

What were we doing? Chris has done things with girls, he told me, and I hadn't. What were we supposed to do?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: It's short, but it's an update!**

Hands were going everywhere, mine were on him and his were on me and my room was growing incredibly hot. Hotter then the end of a cigarette that had left the scar that my left hand has just ran over, hotter then any desert in Africa, I bet.

A feeling was expanding in my chest and we moved in a rhythm apart from the dulled sound of the radio, and I was getting this sensation in my lower half all the way up to my stomach, it was queasy but I can never describe the way it felt. His hands brushed along the edge of my pants and we heard footsteps.

We stopped all movement, pulled apart and froze. My heart was racing in fear now, so loud I could hear it hammering away. I could only imagine one of my parents stumbling into my bedroom only to see Chris on top of me doing the things that two boys don't do together.

I held my breath, as the steps got closer, Chris quietly climbed into the empty space next to me. We watched as the shadow passed by my door, neither of us blinking. We could hear the sounds of the floorboards groaning and the crickets and frogs singing their nightly lullaby.

Eventually we heard a toilet flush and the sink. The footsteps passed by again shuffling back off to bed, and finally I sighed out quietly. If my door 'd swung open we would've been exposed. I wasn't filled with excitement, it was fear, fear that my dad would skin me alive if he every witnessed it. He'd spit at me and telling me about how Denny would've never had a thought of being a faggot.

Shame passed through my veins. Chris' hand found mine in the dark; he laced his fingers through mine. We were bare arm to arm, palm to palm. It wasn't hot anymore, not even comfortable warmth. It was cold with realization. We fell asleep without speaking.

----

I had terrible nightmares of being chased out of town; even the junkyard dog Chopper who had been long replaced chased us. Our dads were red-faced, our mother cried out. We could never escape them.

I woke up with a start, bewildered. Chris looked up at me groggily I had yanked on his arm. I didn't tell him about the dream; I just looked down at him. "What's the matter?" He finally asked me.

"Just a bad dream." I said quietly, I looked away.

"Scare ya?"

"Yeah, but it was just a dream."

"'Bout Denny? Gordo you used to have those a lot when we were kids." Him bringing it up made me think about it, how it was when we were kids. We wouldn't be in this mess; we'd be shooting the shit in the tree house with Vern and Teddy taking about dirty magazines and cartoons.

"Not about Denny, about…" I laid back down next to him, "About what happened last night. If my parents would've came in."

Chris shifted a little bit, "That is scary." He looked me straight in the eye. "If my old man found out I'd be a dead man. A real dead man."

It hit him to we couldn't be found out. Only one more year in high school and then we could get out of Castle Rock and be whomever we wanted. "Chris what are we going to do?"

**A/N: Well sorry for the length, I just really wanted to update and announce that tomorrow is my last day of school so, I SHALL be writing tons this summer. I'm thinking about writing more fan fiction, although other then Stand By Me I have no idea who and what to write about and in, so you lovely reviewers should suggest some. **


	9. Chapter 9

"I don't know Gordie."

"Neither do I."

We sat there in silence.

"Chris we can't get caught."

"I know that."

"We almost did, last night was close." I reminded.

"Gordie, whoever it was they didn't open the door, they when to take a piss."

"Yeah, but what if we wouldn't have heard, what if you would've kept going?"

"You were doing it too! Don't act like you're so innocent Gordie!" He was raising his voice, I was glad I knew my parents were gone.

"I'm not acting like I'm innocent!"

"But it's all my fault right, because I was the one going towards your pants, right? It's all my fault."

"Chris-"

"It's all my fault because I was getting in your pants."

The air was getting thick again; he looked at me like I was a horrible person.

"I think it'd be best if we didn't see each other for a while. I think you should go home." As the words fell out of my mouth I could feel the mood in my room change, I wished I could pull them back be hide my lips and let them sit there, never to be voiced. "I mean, ever since you kissed me that day I just."

He stood up and looked at me with such hurt, grabbing his shirt he said, "Yeah, I mean I don't want to be stinking up your room with the scent of fag."

His words hit me wrong, "Chris I didn't mean it like-"

"Like what? Gordie how many nights did you throw it into my face that I started it? How many Gordo?"

"Calm down, Chr-" I reached for his arm

He yanked his arm away from me, "Don't touch me."

"But-" I tried to explain only to be cut off again.

"Don't tell me to calm the fuck down, you're a fucking asshole you know that? This isn't just my fault, you never told me to stop, you cried when I could've groped that slut, Gordie I suggest you get your god damn act together!" And he was gone, gone out of my window, down the tree and across my yard before I could even process.

Fact was neither of us knew what we were going to do. We could've been caught, exposed and mostly beaten; our father's wouldn't be above that.

I had sat around my house all day, playing card by myself, listening to the radio, watching television, my thoughts never strayed too far from Chris Chambers. I was so angry with him, so pissed off. Always playing stuff off, he was right it was his fucking fault. Making me hurt inside, I hated him, and I loved him.

I would sit there staring into nothing but my imagination and memories, all of them so vivid. I felt sick with want, it was something I couldn't describe, it wasn't just a teenage lust, it was loneliness without my best friend.

We lasted four days. And at the end of those four very long days, sometime early morning I climbed out my window and down the tree (as slowly as I fucking wished, I might add) and dashed across my yard and down the road. Somewhere in the dark we found each other.

Chris and I, Chris and me, I and Chris, me and Chris, however you want to call it, we ended up with each other. Listless without the other, lost. Sure we had spent days apart from each other on the rare family vacation, but after the beginning of it all we at least saw each other once in a course of a day. Even if we were pissed off because one of us had won power in a kiss the night before, it was the comforting sight of one another.

Thinking back, I sounded so hopeless, like a girl or love struck puppy. I was often disgusted with myself having hate bubbling in me most of the time, because everyone would say it was so wrong, so vile. Maybe I was meant to vile and shameful.

My dad would spit at me, and I realized in that moment as I stood there in the dark trying to make out the feature of my best friend, I would never been what he wanted me to be, and I was okay with that.

A whisper, "Gordie?"

"Yeah?"

He hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe, and I hugged him back just as hard. "I'm sorry."

"Me too."

We didn't cry, we didn't kiss, we didn't bring up why we were sorry, and we just stood there in the early hours of the morning hugging in the middle of the street.

**A/N: Okay, so it's a bit cheesy at the end of the chapter, but I mean come on! How can Chris and Gordie fight? Maybe I was just feeling…sentimental? **


	10. Chapter 10

A/N : Apparently my computer likes to crash. Sorry.

We were at a picnic, a family picnic for the end of summer. After Chris and I had that fight we toned everything down. There was nothing to fight about because we kept everything other then friend stuff repressed. It was hard, awkward, I could tell he didn't like it but I couldn't help it.

That day I was supposed to be with my family, a day where we wouldn't force each other to be in the same room and not talk about what happened, but as Chris crossed through the kitchen to leave one afternoon my mom got a hold of him, and asked him to join us. She never suspected that we were trying to pick up the pieces of a wrecked friendship, and of course he didn't decline.

I settled myself on a hard bench at the edge of the back lawn of someone my parents knew. It was hot; sweat was slicking up my back already, my head hurt. Chris took the seat opposite to me, sitting on his hands (which he often had to do). I was planning on being there until my parents got bored with the same work and town chitchat and then going home, I would avoid those sad eyes, I would be a good person.

Then trouble waltzed into my vision. Jenny and Judy, the ones that got me in trouble with jealously. They'd spotted us right away, smiling and waving. Judy's make-up was thicker then her sister's, it was almost scary. She waved and Jenny followed her actions, they made their way over to us. Chris wasn't even paying attention, his eyes were focused on the knothole in the table, and he was trying so hard.

Judy's hand grazed his shoulder, causing his head to snap up and my eyes to narrow. "Hey strangers." There was lipstick on her teeth.

"Hey." We both said in unison, looking in different directions. Judy lowered herself onto the empty space next to Chris, Jenny right beside her. My teeth clenched.

"I thought we would get to hang out more this summer, but you two never called." She was looking right at him with her hands on the table so close to his arm. Little did she know we had more important issues then watching more bad movies with them, more then stupid summer flings.

His voice came out distant, "We had stuff to do, couldn't find the time." At least he wasn't a liar. She was touching his upper arm; a familiar feeling pinched my stomach. I had to look away. My gaze found my mom's eyes, she smiled at me, and I looked away quickly.

Judy was whispering something to him, red lips so close to his ear. She could do that; she could touch his arm, whisper, and kiss him in public. Jenny looked bored, she wasn't included in the conversation, she probably didn't even want to come over here and watch her sister flirt with Chris.

He was looking at her, I couldn't read his face, I was so unsure on what he felt. I couldn't tell what was turning in his head, but I didn't dare look him in the eyes.

"We could go for a walk." She batted her eyelashes at him, smiling with that smear of wax on her teeth, and he actually got up. They headed off for the woods. I watched them disappear in the over growth.

Jenny almost followed them, she started to get up and then she realized that three would be a crowd. She picked at a loose nail. "I hate when she does that." The girl mumbled despondently. I almost agreed with her. What would he let her pull? Why couldn't he just keep sitting on his hands, why couldn't he just be my best friend?

I hated that whole season in that one moment. I hated our walk in the woods, the fighting, and everything. It made my brain buzz uncomfortably. "She's been talking about him ever since the movies."

"Oh." I shaped my mouth around the word. Of course she had, and if none of that would've ever happened Chris and her would've palled around I wouldn't be hurt. I felt like whining about it, that's all I did in my head I never took really any action.

"Why don't we follow them?" I suggested, and Jenny cracked a smile.

We moved fast, Jenny didn't like her sister ditching her, I didn't like her making moves at Chris but I would never admit that, we found them relativity fast. She was trying to lean onto his arm, but he would distance himself a small unnoticeable bit to a hormonal girl. "Hey!" Jenny shouted and hurried up behind her sibling, "We're supposed to stick together." She reminded in an annoyed tone. Judy just batted her comment away with her hand. "Well I'm a little busy." Judy snapped.

They both started to argue, little pieces I could catch, like "-and you never asked who I wanted to sit next to" – "-I'm better"-"-fat cow"

I grabbed a hold of Chris' forearm and pulled him off the path into the woods, through tall grass that could've been infested with snakes, just so no one would follow. He was hard to pull at the speed I was moving at. I was trying to sprint but he slowed me to a jog.

Reaching a 'safe' spot I finally let go of his arm. We were both out of breath; I'd made us move fast. "What's with you? I wouldn't do that to you!" He said behind gritted teeth. He would never have to pull me away; I'd gladly walk away. He was trying to be tough, he was trying to be the person he though Chris Chambers used to be. "Do you have something against that girl?" He huffed getting closer, looked away from him.

I was looking at my shoes, "You don't want her."

"What?"

"You don't want her." I looked up; he was looking to the treetops.

"Yes I do, Gordie, you're just fucking jealous again." He spat bitterly, "Jealous and playing a game. You're too afraid to admit anything because you're still trying to get your dad to love you like he loved Denny, well guess what Gordie, that's never going to happen because you're not Denny!" His voice was growing louder with each word.

"Chri-"

"No fuck you, I'm done. I'm tired of this." He turned paced back and forth, so angry. I was angry too, I just couldn't, couldn't…

"You'll always be like this, always worried about this shit. I'm sorry, sorry that I dragged you into this, and I bet you're like 'oh let's pretty that I give a shit about Chambers because he needs friends even if his is a fa-'"

"Chris-"

"Faggot, because you think I'm a charity case, well let me tell you Lachance-"

"Christopher Chambers!" I yelled shoving him backwards. He stumbled slightly, I expected him to come at me ready to sock me in the face but he didn't. He stood there stunned. "I know I'm just as fucking confused as you are!" I roared. My fists clenched, "I'm confused and I hate you, and I hate this goddamn summer. Nothings fair, everything is weird and I can't stand it! I'm angry and hurt, and, and, and…" My voice died into a whisper, "sick of being wrong."

Back on that night where we were in the middle of the road, I realized I'd never be normal, or want my family wanted, but I knew what we had to do. I knew that I had to stop trying to be more then his friend; because I knew that I'd never accept it. Once it had happened, once I got jealous, once we went father then I wanted, once we fought, once I tried to go back to what we had always been, my mind clouded over and I didn't know what I was, or where I was going. I was forcing myself to be something I wasn't.

He looked at me, and I finally looked him in the eye. The same friendly eyes, he still looked like my best friend, through thick and thin. "I know." He said. He moved towards me slowly, only moving a few inches at a time until he wasn't more then arms length away, and I pulled him into a hug. But everything was still complicated.

**A/N: I know it's out of character, my style has changed, and it was rather rushed, but I hadn't updated in forever.**


	11. Chapter 11

I couldn't help but feel better, until I heard voices off in the distance, "Chris!" and a more questioning, "Gordie?" Chris and I pulled apart, listening as branches broke, "I think they went down there."

"Oh don't be stupid, there must be a million snakes down there."

"I'm serious."

"Chris! Hey guys are you down there!" Judy shouted. More breaking branches, footsteps on grass, "Don't go down there, Jenny!"

"Why the heck not?"

"Because you have no idea what is in that grass!" More movement, and rustling,

"Chris! Gordie!"

Chris looked over at me; he wasn't too far away from me. His eyes gleamed with apology, "We're down here!"

It had to be done, I turned my eyes to where the noisy girls were coming, and they were huffing and puffing with red faces. It was still so hot out. Almost as hot as the day when we went to the creek. Every event since then wanted to rush over my brain but I wouldn't allow it.

Judy was picking a twig out of her hair, "Why the interruption?" She frowned, Chris didn't answer her, and Jenny looked around innocently, like I had dragged her into the woods. I spoke up.

"Jenny and I felt abandoned, I mean we all had a great time at the movies together didn't we?" I tried to smile. Jenny nodded quickly as her sister looked to her for a conformation.

"Well, I for one like my alone time." Judy started playing with the end of her hair, and before Jenny or I could respond Chris grabbed my arm and began tugging me up the embankment, I motioned for Jenny to follow and we all three tried to scurry up the crumbling soil back to the path. "Where on earth are you going!"

"Giving you your alone time." Chris said, he smiled over his shoulder at me. Jenny laughed.

* * *

Back at the picnic he sat next to me on the bench, Jenny across from us chattering away about how cool it was for us to just blow her sister off. She really was a nice kid, but I couldn't focus on a word that was falling out of her mouth because Chris had his thigh pressed against mine. The heat was surely getting to my head.

A familiar face came into view beside us, "Have you seen your sister? We're about to leave." It was the girl's aunt. Jenny nodded and motioned over to the food table. Where Judy had been stalking around ever since she emerged from the woods alone, five minutes after us. "Oh good, come on." Jenny smiled, and said good-bye to us, and we watched as they crossed the lawn to retrieve the angry sister.

Chris started to chuckle, I looked over at him, his hand on his mouth and eyes squinted shut. God, I missed that face, it felt like I hadn't seen it in years. "I haven't seen you laugh in forever." I smiled.

He stopped laughing and looked at me seriously, people all around us, sun beating down, music from a cheap radio, the sound of adults bickering, the grill crackling, in that moment I thought he was going to be crazy, almost suicidal with the look in his eyes. I thought he was going to lean close the (very-unbelievably-no-normal-boys-faces-would-ever-be-so-close) space, and kiss me. I was equally as crazy to if he would've done it I would've kissed him back.

But he didn't kiss me, he stuck his tongue out and I started to laugh at the immaturity, "Well, I haven't seen you laugh in forever either." I missed my best friend.

* * *

We were in the backseat of the family car. It was so dark you couldn't make out anything but the headlights on the road. His hand was on my knee. "That was a wonderful picnic don't you think, darling?" My mother asked my father, he nodded and make a statement about the way the food was grilled. She laughed and agreed. Both unaware that my knee was being groped, unaware about the heat in my stomach, and very unaware that I had to bite my tongue when the hand groping my knee slowly moved up my leg to mid-thigh, I was thankful for the dark.

My mom had invited Chris to spend the night; it was so late she didn't want to disturb his folks. If she wouldn't have asked, I would've, I just couldn't task it any longer. When we reached my house, the car keys were left in the bowl by the front door, my dad went upstairs to bed, and my mom came over and gave me a hug, she gave Chris one as well. Seeing as he'd been over a lot but him and I didn't speak much, I guess she felt sorry for him. She told us goodnight and went upstairs as well. We'd been left there before, in the darkness of my house. I began to climb to my room, and he followed.

In my room we discarded our own shirts, shoes, and socks. I didn't both with pajamas, and he didn't have any, and we sat on my bed and prepared ourselves to watch the clock, but neither of us knew that's what the other one was doing.

"I at least feel welcome now." He sighed laying back.

"You were always welcome."

"Gordo, you and me both know that's not true."

I looked down at him, he was right; I just wanted to forget about everything. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged, "We're both stubborn." I switched on my radio, and he lip-synched the words at me with exaggerated motions from my bed. I couldn't help but laugh and remember when we were a little bit younger. It was like I hadn't witnessed silliness. It at least lightened the mood.

We heard snoring, and both looked to the clock. It hadn't been too long since we'd gotten upstairs. I rejoined him on my bed. "Chris, why did you kiss me?"

"I-I can't explain."

"How the fuck can you not explain?" I rose up on my elbow.

"Gordie, I wanted to for a long time, and I thought you of all people would at least understand. Then you looked sick, and I thought maybe you were just going a long with it because we were friends." He looked away, "I couldn't help myself anymore, I just had to."

"I can't believe this all happened." I laid back down.

He sighed again, "I told you I was sorry."

"I didn't mean it like that, Chris." I touched his arm lightly. It was impossible for use not to step on each other's toes. A few more minutes passed, and he looked up to check the clock, he smiled at me.

That was no doubt the smile I was getting in the back seat, which I couldn't see. My heart beat accelerated, I knew what was coming.


	12. Chapter 12

That smirk, he moved over to me, and we intertwined. It was everything that had built up physically. He always had to look away or sit on his hands. I had to press myself farther into the chair I was sitting in or take a harder drag off a cigarette.

Breath mingled, hands roamed over bare skin, this was the closest we'd been in a while. There were no awkward pauses from the past, it was full force, and my stomach grew tighter. Teeth scraped my bottom lip, lips followed down my chin, along the jawbone, making their way straight for the clavicle.

My head was clouded, my heart pounding harder then I though possible. Hands traveling lower and lower, and they reached the edge of my jeans, fingers dipped in. My mouth was covered with his. While I was distracted with that my pants were unbuttoned and pulled low. I gasped into his mouth when those same fingers dipped into the waistband of my underwear.

He pulled away giving me that trademarked grin, he was in control; all I could do was lie there and take it. There were no footsteps; no flushing towels to interrupt us.

When I remember it seemed so slow, because of the pressure in my bottom half but it wasn't that long are all. He was stroking me, and I was stroking him, and we were meshed together, and then he had to cover my mouth with his hand to keep me from yelling out.

The pressure was building more and more; it was painful and good at the same time, and then release. Heavy breaths filled my room. He pulled me closer to him, head leaning on my shoulder, "You're my best friend." Was pressed into my ear.

"And you love me." I smirked.

"More then you'll ever know."

"I love you too."

And we cleaned up the pile of pants and underwear, and fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up fairly early, putting my feet on the ground I took a step, and then another. I was limping, pain was burning me, it hurt, and I mean it really fucking hurt. He was laughing at me as I hobbled over to the dresser to get clothes.

"Having trouble, Gordo?"

"Fuck you, Chambers."

"But."

"But what?" I turned around with a shirt in my hand.

"But you did that last night." I couldn't help but laugh at that. He was collecting his shirt off my floor. He pulled me into a one-armed hug, ruffled my hair. After all that we'd been through, even the lose of virginity, here he was still being the Chris I knew. Not uncomfortable or weird, just easy normal. I didn't give a shit about being sore, or about loving my best friend who happened to be a guy.

Chris was Chris. The kid that comforted me when my brother died and I was sure my dad hated me, who traveled with me to see a dead body, who gave me my first cigarette, how the hell could I not love him.

Lips were pressed to my temple, and we went down stairs for breakfast, taking one stair at a time, because I wasn't kidding about the pain.

"Gordie something wrong?" My mom asked as she moved plates to the table.

"I think he pulled something from yesterday." Chris commented, eyes gleaming.

I bite my lip, "Yeah, I think he's right." Nodding along I slid into my place at the table. She slid food in front of us.

"I hope it's not too serious."

"Me either." I mumbled threw egg. She sat down as well sipping at her orange juice. My dad had already been through, the morning paper folded up on his placemat. A few minutes passed of silverware on plate.

"I thought that was a nice Sunday picnic yesterday." My mom bit into her toast.

"It was."

"Thanks for inviting me a long."

"Chris, your practically family with as much time you spend here, I think I see you more then your actual mother." She patted her mouth with a napkin laughing lightly. He looked over at me; I knew he wanted to tell her about the way he felt. Not just about us, about how nice she was to him, at he just smiled at her.

"She appreciates you and Mr. Lachance looking after me." That was all he said, I hadn't heard him talk about his mom in so long, I hadn't been over to his house all summer, even if I was hell bent that one night when we met halfway. I knew his old man stopped beating on Chris and his other siblings, I wasn't sure about his mom. I'm sure he didn't, although I never cared to ask, and I never did after that.

And for some reason it was really bothering me. "Well it's like you and Gordie are attached at the hip." He grinned at me, that devil grin.

A/N: Alright, alright. So all you faithful reviewers can be like FINALLY. Hahah, you guys makes me laugh. But I really appreciate feedback, so send it. I realized that Jenny and Judy are my ideals of Mary-Sues. Also this will be bumped up in the rating category, obviously to M. I love how I only write when I have something to procrastinate against. Anyway, enough babble.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I love you reviewers. It makes it seem like a cause! :D So I whipped this up fast because idea have just been spouting out like crazy. I'm already starting on the next chapter, isn't that exciting? **

* * *

School snuck up on us. Soon we were sitting in desks next to each other for our last year of high school. It was so difficult to just sit there, to just walk through the halls and eat lunch. We couldn't hold hands, or kiss. The only acceptable contact was pushing, shoving, and Chris' one-armed hugs. It was hard not to just shove him against the lockers. That wouldn't be acceptable in the slightest. People would shout "Queer!" or "Fags."

We'd have to wait until the end of the day. I had to watch girls try and flirt with him. Sending him smiles and winks, asking to borrow his notes. Fuck them, those were my notes he copied.

Some nights he'd stay for dinner, we'd make small talk with my parents about school, how classes were going, what colleges we thought would be best. Then we'd rush up stairs to study.

Our studying lasted about ten minutes; we'd try to focus on history, or grammar. He'd copy my notes, finish up the math assignment in quick scribbles, and then our eyes would wonder over to one another, and grins would take over our mouths.

We weren't used to not touching all day, seeing as the last bit of our summer was taken up with a lot of physical contact, ever since that night after the picnic we weren't shy about it, there was no point to be.

It wasn't like we hadn't seen each other naked. Some nights we wouldn't get that far, some nights he would go home a sleep in his own bed, but most of the time we'd share mine, even if we did have to take time out to stop by his house to grab clothes, it was worth getting up a little earlier.

We'd lie there about to go to sleep, "Can you believe after this year were free?" He'd say into my shoulder, his arms around my waist.

"Not really, but it's exciting." My hair working it's way through his hair.

"After this we can leave Castle Rock behind us." His breath brushed my bare skin. I smiled, I didn't care where we were going to go, I just wanted to stay like that. Stay like that forever, to just understand each other, in more ways then either of us could name, but everything has to change at some point, even if I didn't want it to.

* * *

Some kid threw a back to school party. It was in some old warehouse on the outskirts of town. Some how someone managed to get his or her older siblings in on it. It was lit up with neon and Christmas lights and there was a lot of beer. Chris and I went, it was cold and faces were numb but alcohol would warm you up. Guys and girls would disappear together.

There was music and people were dancing and drinking. Girls came over giving both Chris and I eyes. They'd walk over to us and giggle. "Oh Chris that's so funny!" Or "Gordie I never knew you were in my English class!" They'd touch his arm or rub his shoulder and I'd take another drink.

I felt like throwing up, my stomach was tossing and turning. "He's lookin' a little green." Someone commented. My throat was feeling weird; I was clenching my jaw, breathing through my nose.

"Gordo, you okay?" His voice was in my ear; I was starting to double over. I wasn't cold anymore; it was so hot I could feel sweat on my skin. My vision was blurring, I shook my head looking at him.

Chris grabbed my arm and steered me around other drunken bodies leading me outside. I wanted to take my coat off, I was struggling with the sleeves, then a gag as we hit the night air, we moved away from the door. Another gag, and a heave and out it came. Acid was stinging my throat and mouth; he was patting my back, "Give me something to drink." I choked. I would've taken anything to calm the burning.

"You've had eno-"

I threw up some more. Kids outside were laughing at me, I could hear some girls making disgusted noises; I imagined them rolling their eyes. I wiped my mouth and straightened myself. I started to shrug out of my jacket, "Stop it, and keep it on." He pushed the cloth back onto my shoulders.

A girl that we were talking to earlier came over to us, "Is he okay?" She was looking at Chris. She tried to get him outside but he declined politely, I smiled at her, a drunken smile of course.

"I've got to take him home, make sure he gets there safe. He's stumbling." He took my arm and slung it over his shoulders and I leaned myself on him. We got away from the party faster then I thought. My head was still swimming.

"I'm sorry. I hate when girls smile at you." I muttered into his shoulder, he just rubbed my side. I stopped walking, "I'm serious Chris." He turned and looked at me.

"Come on Gordo." He reached for my hand. I refused to move. "Gordie, girls are going to do that. They smile at you, how do you think that makes me feel?" I think we were talking about more then smiles. It was suggestive looks from across the room, it was flirtatious comments, and he squeezed my hand. Then we took up our journey to my house in silence. Stopping every so often for me to heave some. My head was buzzing.

I woke up with crust on my eyes, my head pounding, but there he was holding me next to him, asleep. I nestled in closer to him, even if I felt like someone had bashed my head in with a baseball bat, I was happy. He opened his eyes, and smiled at me. "You survived."

I groaned. "I'm so sorry Chris, I didn't mean to drink so much I just couldn't help it."

"I know, just be happy that I was able to get you into the bathroom last night."

"I promise that won't happen again." I looked up at him. He touched my cheek. "I don't know what came over me." He smirked thumb rubbing my cheekbone.

"It's fine." He kissed me even after he knew my mouth would still taste like alcohol and vomit. I knew he loved me at that moment, but the feeling in my stomach wasn't so pleasant.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I'm awful, seriously. Band and advanced chemistry have taken over my life. Ew. **

When our heating system broke, my mom insisted on asking Mrs. Chambers if I could stay over there for a night or two. The only reason the furnace was busted was because my dad took it upon himself to tinker with it because the bathroom's vent wasn't working.

So there I was sitting in-between Chris and another one of his siblings listening to his dad rant about his job. That was the weird thing about Chris' house, sitting across from a violent alcoholic who used to beat his kids and wife. Now he was just taking his rage out on the pot roast on his plate. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the knife hacking through dried meat, and feeling slightly terrified. I swallowed hard avoiding his plate.

Thoughts buzzed through my head, thinking about how hostel he'd get if he ever found out his son was a fag. I began to push corn across my plate, biting my lip hard. A long time ago I'd conquered the fear of Ace, that hood was harmless compared to the man across the table. I glanced over at Chris. He was telling his mom something. I almost half expected once everyone was settled his hand would make its way over to my knee, if not my lap but it stayed put.

After dinner we, well Chris was stuck on dish duty. I was sitting on the counter drying, and he was elbow deep in soapy water. "This is the first time you've been over here since this summer." He gave a sly smile. I didn't know if he was going to try something or lay down the law. It wasn't like my house, where my parents went out most of the night, or just left you alone. "You kno-" His dad came into the kitchen on a mission to the fridge, I hoped off the counter and grabbed another dish before he could make a comment about how my ass doesn't need to be on the counter.

He snatched a beer out and banged the door close. "Look at you two, doin' women's work." Chuckling he left.

"Well then." I said picking up another dish.

"Sad thing is, he'd bitch if we weren't washing them." He shrugged.

Later that night I was laying on the floor with a lumpy pillow, Chris was hanging upside down on his bed. The door was closed and we hadn't heard anyone in hours. "All the blood's going to rush to your head." He batted my comment away with his hand and laughed.

I stuck my tongue out. "You put that tongue back in your mouth, Gordo." He teased in a mocking tone. I leaned in and kissed him. We stayed there until what was the house settling, a few creaking noises hissed around us, he jerked upright eyes locked on the door almost head-butting me in the process.

"Jesus, Chris calm down." He shot me a look.

"Shut up." He snapped.

"We're fine." I tried to reassure him.

"Right, remember when we were all hot and heavy and someone went to the bathroom, you were scared shitless." He whispered quickly, lying on his stomach.

"If you remember, we hadn't had sex yet."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I was nervous."

"Being nervous and almost getting caught here are two different things." He frowned eyes back on the door again. "Your old man would throw me out and scream at you, my old man would strangle us both and think later."

Getting caught was the main concern to us it was the biggest fear. He was dead serious too, looking down at me from the bed. He'd lived with it his whole life. Chris knew the fury of his father; on more then one occasion had him or Eyeball come to school sporting a black eye.

I nodded solemnly, and took a seat on the bed, we waited for more noise, but nothing came. "I fucking hate sneaking around."

"Yeah, but there's nothing we can do about it." He rolled over, hands on his stomach.

The thing was back in October we were at a costume party. It was crazy everyone was drinking. My head was buzzing; neither of us were sober enough to hold any judgment. We stumbled out into whoever's backyard and made out in the shadow of the house.

Good thing the sound of the screen door banging against the cheap metal siding sent us flying apart. Patting our pockets for cigarettes, talking and acting as if we weren't playing tonsil hockey. We were so close to being caught by a bunch of jocks, they'd come out to smoke and throw up. The sound of wet vomit hitting the frozen ground almost made me lose it.

We slumped against the house until we were sober enough to make our way home, he almost left me as we passed the turn up to his house. Briefly letting go of my jacket and then realizing he still really couldn't stand.

Chris attempted to climb the tree, jumping and catching the first branch only to have it pass through his fingers and him to land on his ass. He groaned and looked up at me, muffling my laughter with the joint on my elbow.

When we got to my bedroom, from the front door, being as quiet was a bunch of drunks could be. The snoring pattern still going strong, we were already half naked when I remembered to close the door.

Once awake, and extremely hung over we agreed that would never happen again, we couldn't risk it. It was just too dangerous. So sitting next to him I reached for his hand. This was like then. Any one could bust in that door and expose us. Squeezing it momentarily, I slid off the bed and lay back down on the floor with my lumpy pillow.

"I can't wait until we're out." Chris said.

"Me too." I murmured into the fabric.

And after the heat was fixed and the weekend was over I really couldn't wait until we were out. I came out of my science class to see Chris cornered by a brunette. Flicking her hair and batting her eyes, I had to force myself to be calm, to will every part of me not to stomp over there and do something I'd regret, something both of us would regret.

He was smiling at her, the look in his eyes made me worry. I came up beside them. "Oh hi." She turned flashing me a beam, she was in our math class, and "You have Chris' notes, right?" I almost said yes, seeing as he copies them from me after school.

I force a smile, "He'll have them tomorrow." She looked over to him and gave a wink with a laugh.

"I'll just get them from you then." She made quite a show of walking off. Wagging her hips, and tossing her hair, habits like that made me dislike women more then I already did and he was watching with a quirked brow of interest. I wanted to vomit.


	15. Chapter 15

After school I didn't say anything about the girl in the hallway, I just watched him copy my notes. He didn't stay for dinner, I was wondering if me just interrupting had pissed him off.

The next few days passed in a blur; soon I saw them everywhere together. At his locker, walking to class, it was a little more then unnerving. Her name was Marlene, she sat behind me in English and I was now aware of that fact because Chris was always turned around talking to her.

Our English teacher wasn't too fond of their new friendship; she constantly had to revert his attention to the front of the class. Her and I were in the same boat that whole period. I hated the way Marlene would jab me with her pointer finger and toss a note over my shoulder to give Chris.

Two weeks passed and my mom started to ask where he was. "Gordie?"

"Yeah mom?" I looked up from chemistry homework.

"You aren't helping Chris with his homework?" She was leaning on my doorframe.

"Nah, he's busy with some girl." My pencil kept scratching against the paper, eyes right along with it, that way she wouldn't spy the disappointment in them.

"Oh, well dinner's almost ready." And with that comment she left. Some times I thought she was on to us, and other times I thought she just needed another boy to mother. She didn't miss him as much as I did.

* * *

I heard it everywhere; strangers were rubbing it in my face. I was at my locker and heard a gang of girls chattering way about it. "Chris and Marlene have totally hit it off." "They're so cute." "Perfect couple." I slammed it shut, causing a bunch of them to jump. "What's his deal?" I heard as I stalked away.

Sitting in class I didn't have with Chris, I still had to listen to her squeal to the other girls. "Did you guys kiss?" One girl asked, "Did you do more then kissing?" Another one tried to whisper. She sat there with smirk, "Now a lady doesn't kiss and tell." Marlene answered trying to look an innocent. I wanted to invade their party and tell them, that Chris and I did more then kissing. But I sat there and listened to them gossip, and tell Marlene how lucky she was.

* * *

One night there was a knock at my window. I knew who it was, and I foolishly let him in. We didn't speak a word. It was all physical action, no caring gestures or an apology. As soon as it was over he pulled up his pants, and left. I had to keep myself from tearing off after him, from taking him down and making him feel low like I did, but I just sat there in the dark, feeling like an empty whore.

* * *

At lunch I was the odd man out. She'd chatter on and Chris would give her his undivided attention. I stabbed at the food, looking else where feeling like a loser. This had been going on for a long time, almost a month. Thankfully a familiar face came in, I was so happy to see Teddy.

Which I hadn't in so long, only in passing, a glance here and there, he still had those thick glasses, but he'd grown into his features. "Chambers! Lachance!" He nearly shouted as he settled himself next to me with his metal tray. Marlene shut up and stared at him, with an accusing glare.

"I figured I'd come talk to you guys, man, Verno's got a girl, can you believe that gullible shit has a girl? All lovely dovey over there," he nodded a few tables, "Makin' me feel like a damn third wheel, well I tell you I ain't having that." I had to hold in a laugh. Because with the years Teddy could carry on a conversation with himself, he wasn't talking to you, he was talking at you.

"Gordo you want your roll?" He asked already snatching it from my tray. I wanted to hug him. He began to carry on about his old man and mom with a full mouth. Marlene quickly exited the table.

"What the hell's her deal?"

Chris shot him a look, "Teddy."

"Sorry Chambers, I didn't mean to scare your gal away."

"Maybe you should make friends with Vern's girlfriend?" I suggested before they got into an argument.

"Yeah, I suppose so. Good idea Gordo." He patted my back too hard, and made a break for Vern's table. Settling himself in-between Vern and his woman. I laughed. Teddy was a character. Crazier with age, I almost followed him. Chris got up and left the cafeteria.

I was sitting alone, feeling like a loser, when I abandoned my tray and went to the bathroom. Trying to figure out why Chris had been avoiding being alone with me. It pissed me off. I opened the door and there he was against the wall, arms crossed looking sore.

While I was washing my hands, I asked him, "What's your deal?" The bathroom was vacant. "I mean, oh hey, let's completely ditch Gordie."

"It's not like that."

"Then what's it like?" I stepped closer to him.

"I know you're pissed off and everything but Gordie, people would get suspicious if one of us didn't start going out with someone." I shrugged, still angry.

"But you can come to me in the middle of the night, and get a fuck right? That's fine." My voice was lowered to avoid someone overhearing.

"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to just leave you there and-"

"You didn't mean to but you fucking did." I shoved him. "You left me there. Do you know how that feels Chris?"

He held his hand up defensively. "Calm down."

"No! You start dating this girl and that's all you do. You hang around with her. You don't give a shit about how I feel. For the guy that attacked me in the woods you seem pretty okay being normal? What the hell am I to you? Someone you can fuck up the ass?" I shoved him again.

"Gordie, she just takes up so much of my time, she just…" He tried to reach out to me.

"She just what? Doesn't like your best friend? How are your grades Chris? Not passing like you used to be right, because you can't use me for your goddamn notes. You're not going to use me, I won't let you." With that said, I punched him right in the face. My fist making contact with his nose, causing it to bleed, and he held his hand there and then shoved me in the shoulder.

"You don't understand!" He shouted.

"No, you don't understand!" I hit him again, getting that rage out, and he hit me. Then we were on the floor beating each other. We weren't gentle, it was raw frustration, Chris pulled me up and shoved me against a stall, giving me a heated kiss, and I bit his lip. He drew back and I got him in the stomach, then he came at me. We were making so much noise the door flew open and people began to crowd in.

We were pulled apart by the principal and escorted to office, bloodied and beaten. We passed by Marlene who looked completely shocked; she gripped onto another girls arm.

* * *

**A/N: Two updates in two days! OH SHIT. I feel awful for letting it go so long with out updating. So I've been on a writing kick. Review :D **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: In which Gordie narrates a little differently. It's short, but I should update more often, and I've been writing this for a year. I'm proud about how they've grown up. **

I felt nervous in the principal's office. He stared at us over thick lenses and wrinkled nose in disgust. We hadn't made a peep after her shouted at us both. We were too busy trying to explain ourselves, to come up with a story on the spot why I shoved him. "Now you." He pointed a stubby finger at Chris, "Tell me what happened." I took a deep breath of his office a mixture of cigar smoke and chalk dust; I nearly choked when I heard Chris' response.

"I shoved him because he said my girlfriend was a cow." He crossed his arms and scowled. Mr. Roth gave me a stern look. "Now is that true Mr. Lachance?"

"No!" I spurted, I glanced over to Chris, and he was looking straight a head. "I shoved him, he wouldn't give me my Geometry notes back."

"Liar!" Shot out of Chris' mouth, "You're the liar!" I fired back and then it was a string of back and forth before Mr. Roth cut it off again.

"Boys! Boys! Shut up!" He shouted stand up. His chair flying backwards and slamming into his filing cabinet, our eyes jerked towards the enraged man. He was red faced. "I don't care who started it." His eyes lingering over Chris more, after all he still had that last name that made him guilty regardless of whether or not it was his fault.

"I'm calling both your parents, both of you are suspended until the winter break, to give you both time to cool off." Winter break was two days away, easy time at least that's what I thought until my mother came in to snatch me home for the rest of the day. Mr. Roth had us sitting on opposite walls of the office. Chris had a bruise on his cheek and a black eye; I sat there feeling guilty.

"Gordon Lachance!" My mom screeched as she hurried into the office, her face was contracted into an angry mess. She grabbed me under the arm and yanked me out of the chair. Even if I towered over her she steered me to the desk, signed the paper work and apologized for my 'horrid' behavior.

A friend of hers had driven her to the school to pick me up, so she didn't lecture me until safely behind our front door.

"Gordie!" She pointed me to the kitchen, jerking a seat out for me to sit in, she began to chop things for dinner with more aggression than necessary, but I wasn't going to point that out. I couldn't get the image of Chris out of my head. "What has gotten into you lately?" She asked whipping around to face me. "I found some cigarettes in your jeans the other day, now this? Beating people up."

"It's not like I'm a bully, mo-" I tried to explain

"Did you see Chris? What do you thinks going to happen to him when he gets home?" I sat there and considered it all. I felt awful.

"I don't know what's wrong with you two lately, it seems like ever since this summer you either close, or at each other's throats." She turned back to her cooking. I turned to look out the window, it was snowing, summer seemed years ago.

"It's complicated." I said finally.

She was feeling sassy, my mom standing in her apron with her knife and high heels. To this day I will never forget the image of my mother standing there so frustrated. "Try me."

In that instance I almost revealed to my mom about the past few months of my life. It almost tumbled out of my mouth about how I loved Chris more than, more than she or my dad or anyone else wanted me to. About how we did things in the dark of her home, how we whispered through the night. I looked down biting my tongue to stop it all from exposing me, and our secret.

"He got a girlfriend, and I'm jealous." I didn't say how I was jealous, I didn't express that I had to stop myself from physically harming that girl every time she kissed him in front of my locker.

"Gordie, you'll find a nice girl that's no reason to fight." She chided, less angry. A calm settled over the kitchen. I felt sick.


	17. Chapter 17

I excused myself to my room. I could hear my mom on the phone with my dad through my crack door, her voice trailed up the staircase, "Yeah." A pause, "It was Chris." Another pause. "He's feeling a little low." Pause, "I'm not sure." Again. "Well dinner will be ready when you get home, uh huh, love you too." She hung up, the phone clicked on the stand. I buried my head under my pillow and drifted.

* * *

My mom tugged me out of bed for dinner. There was no conversation for a while, until my dad started, "You know, I always knew that Chambers was a bad apple. Ever since you two were kids." My mom shot him a look, but he was too busy looking at his plate stabbing an innocent potato, "I'm just glad you didn't get seriously hurt, right Hun?" He looked at my mom. She didn't answer.

"You know, why couldn't you have friend's like Denny had?" Denny was brought up every time my grades weren't perfect, or if I got into trouble, or if I didn't have a 'nice girl' around in a while. My dad had a wound from my brother's death, and he just wouldn't let it heal. He scratched at it, bother it as much as he could, because he just couldn't let go. So mom and I weren't allowed for forget it either.

He said around a mouth full of food, "You'd think he'd be a little nicer since we fed him all those nights."

My mom dropped her fork loudly, his head snapped up. Her eyebrows were pulled into a scowl. "I started it."

They both looked at me, "What son?" He'd swallowed.

"I started it, I shoved him into the wall." I had my own battle scars, a busted lip, my jaw kept popping noisily, and my cheek was swollen.

"Well he's just a bad influence."

"Can I be excused?" I asked. My mom nodded, and I pushed away from the table. As I was climbing the stairs I heard, "You can't always let him run away."

* * *

I looked out my bedroom window, it was snowing, white covering the ground, and I slipped into sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night; the sound of my dad snoring was unbearably louder than usual. I pulled on my shoes, and my coat. Looked to my window, almost yanking it opened and going the way I usually did, but I refused to.

I went down the stairs without trying to be quiet and walked right out the front door, in the middle of the night. Wind cutting into me, it was so cold. I almost turned right around and marched back inside but I didn't.

The snow was to my calves, and I still wondered through it. I didn't have any intention on end up outside his window it just kind of happened, I wasn't thinking just walking just trying to keep the cold out.

I however, knocked, like an idiot. He opened the window and looked at me like I was crazy. "What the fuck, Gordie?"

"Hey you've woken me up plenty of damn times." I retorted, hands pressed further in my pockets. Chris' face was looking a little worse than it had back at school. "What the hell happened to your face?"

"You, asshole." He sneered leaning out the window more, "And my dad got me a good one, but not near as bad as it used to be." The wind blew a little harder, "It's freezing." He shivered slightly.

"Yeah."

"I'm not going to apologize." Chris said finally. I didn't expect him to. I looked down at the snow I was standing in awkwardly.

"I don't know why I came here, I just kind of wound up here." I shrugged. "I-I just wanted to know, I guess, what you were trying to explain in the bathroom." He didn't answer for a moment he looked a little sore.

"You don't understand, Gordie." He said pulling back into the window a bit.

"I promise I'll listen." I said catching his arm. I just wanted to know, I didn't want him to forgive me. I was stupid for being so touchy.

"She wanted me to help her with school, Gordo, you know I'm not that great. So then she makes me study with her, then we start messing around…"

I looked at feeling a small blow to my stomach, I looked him dead in the eye, and he continued.

"We didn't…have…sex." He said slowly, "But when we were fooling around I almost said your name…and I got scared."

"So you stopped talking to me?" I said a little bitter.

"Well, I stopped hanging out with you. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want anyone to find out, you know what would happen." He paused letting that image sink into my head. "Then she just talked to me so much, wanted to spend time with me, I didn't have any left."

I nodded, listened, "You didn't have to let that happen."

"You didn't have to punch me in the face." He reminded pointing at himself. I was forgetting the cold. "I told her you could tutor us. She said she didn't want to make you the third wheel."

"Whether I'm around or not I'm the third wheel." I muttered.

"But listen," He started again, and I let him go without interrupting, "I'm just trying to be normal, trying not to be weird."

"Chris, fuck, everyone's weird. We're not normal, we never have been and never will." I said, getting ready to turn and go back to the safety of my own house.

"I know that." Chris said quietly, "I just wanted to…"

"You're my best friend, my, my, I have no idea what, and no matter how many times you try to straighten that out with girls, with Marlene, it'll never change what happened. We're weird." I turned to leave getting a few steps away from the house, the streetlights casting an eerie lit over the Chamber's backyard.

"Gordie," Chris called, scooting out the window in bare feet, the guy was crazy. I didn't know what to say to him. I had nothing left to say, other then, "I'm sorry for the fight. I was just so pissed off."

"Marlene called after school, said she didn't want to have boyfriend who was a hood." I just looked at him, "I guess you don't have to be angry now," He grinned. I smiled a bit then it faded, "Get back in the house Chamber's before you get goddamn frost bite." And I left with out saying anything about our relationship, about if it was fixed. I just left, went home, peeled off my wet clothes and disappeared into sleep.

* * *

**A/N: Has anyone else noticed Gordie's parents don't have first names in the movie? They are just Mr. and Mrs. Lachance. I thought it was interesting, seeing as I wanted to use their names during dialog. Looks like I'll stick to "Hun" and "Darling"**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: I could make excuses all day, but I'm updating so no matter.**

**And thanks to Wallypog for telling me Gordie's mother's name :D.**

He showed up to my house the next afternoon, my mom wouldn't let him in the house. No matter how much she liked Chris, she didn't want any violence in her living room. I stood hidden at the top of the stairs, hearing her say, "Just let it cool off for a couple days, you boys don't need to be at each other's throats over some girl."

Surprisingly he didn't shimmy up the tree later that night. I laid awake waiting for him to show up and he didn't. In the darkness of my bedroom my stomach dropped with disappointment. The fact that him and Marlene weren't a couple, maybe it was a lie, what if he were to tap on the glass and want only one thing. Grief lapped at me, I frowned into my pillow. Besides, him not being some girl's boyfriend didn't make everything okay again. It didn't take back our fight in the bathroom or how he abandoned me, but maybe I was being dramatic, being a girl about it. I wasn't a girl. Clenching my teeth I rolled over to face the other side of the room. I wasn't going to worry about it, or at least force myself to stop.

* * *

A few days passed, I don't know how many I tried not to think about it. As apart of my punishment I wasn't allowed out of the house. So I didn't make attempts to sneak out. I spent most of my time parked in front of the T.V. just staring at it not really watching. It was eating a hole in me. My mom was doing household chores, I didn't bother offer to help; I stayed glued to the flicking images on the screen. I practically jumped out of my skin when the doorbell rang. I bolted off the couch calling, "I'll get it." Skidding to a stop at the front door my heart thundered against my chest as I reached for the knob. My mom came up behind me as I opened it. It was Mrs. Chambers, I looked around her, craning my neck to see around her maybe Chris was hiding, but he wasn't. "Gordie, don't be rude let her in." I stepped aside at my mother's command the corners of my mouth turning down slightly.

Mrs. Chambers was pulling off her mittens, "Dorothy I really wanted to talk to you." She gave her best heart warming smile, "Nice to see you Gordie." She addressed me before they both disappeared beyond the kitchen door. I peered out onto the porch, cold air smacking me in the face, just to make sure he wasn't there. I closed the door. My hands were itchy. Normally I would press my ear to the wood and strain to listen to them but I just didn't have the heart. I shuffled back to the living room.

I was lying almost lifelessly on the couch by the time they emerged. Mrs. Chambers left, and my mom came to perch next to me. I looked up at her as she brushed hair out of my face. "You need a hair cut." I moved away from her a bit, propping my head into my hand.

"What did she say?" I asked, my hands still itchy.

"She asked how you were, and we talked about what happened. They're going away for the holidays, and Chris wanted to stay behind." I just looked at her, hoping she'd continue.

"I told her that maybe you two needed some more time to clear your heads." She patted my shoulder, my throat felt a little too tight. "But she told me Chris wouldn't budge on it, he wanted to stay here in Castle Rock. So she asked me to keep an eye on him, while they were gone." She stood up, "But that doesn't mean I want you over there Gordie."

I felt a tinge of betrayal. "I'm not mad, mom." I told her, "I just want to apologize to him."

"Gordie, your still not allowed out of the house, you'll have to talk to your father about it." Of course, she'd stay with his punishment. I needed some air; I didn't care if it was freezing outside. I pulled myself off the couch. "You could call him." She offered trying to be helpful.

"I don't want to call him, I want to see him." Came out of my mouth before I could stop it. I never used that harsh of a tone with my mother before.

"Gordon Lachance, you should know better." She scolded with angry eyes. I was taller than my mom; it had been a long time since I needed protecting from the monster in my closet. I took a breath and stalked right out of the living room. I went up to my bedroom. I fumed there until I heard her banging around in the kitchen.

Creeping down the steps, and snagging my jacket I tried to be as quiet as possible. "Gordie?" She called. I yanked open the door and made a break for it. I practically flew across the front yard. My mom call after me, "Gordie! Gordie! Get back here this instant!" I wasn't going to look back.


	19. Chapter 19

I ignored the burning from the cold air hitting me in the lungs, I didn't think about how my legs hurt. I slipped around on slush as I raced for Chris' house. I didn't glance over my shoulder, I was afraid if I did I'd see my mother chasing after me. I already knew once I got back home I'd be in even more trouble.

Finally I slowed down, leaning over to catch my breath I was huffing and puffing, probably red in the face. Coughing, and hawking spit onto the wet pavement below me, I finally straightened myself out. I felt out of shape, wheezing.

I didn't have a plan, when his house came into view, I paused looking at it, I couldn't just knock on the door. What if one of his parents answered? What if my mom called to give them a heads up? I couldn't really get into the back yard without being seen climbing over the fence. Frowning and shuffled the toe of my shoe in the snow.

What would I say anyway? I had nothing to actually apologize for. He cheated on me. If I could call it that, we weren't really an 'official' thing, but then again we really couldn't be. I stuffed my hands into my pockets, feeling awkward for just staring at his house, so I shuffled in the other direction down the street.

Stopping myself half way. I didn't just dig myself deeper in the hole for nothing. Wiping around I stomp towards is house, passing by as causally as possible, like I wasn't trying to make myself go up the front walk. Why was it so difficult? My hands curled into fists.

Taking a deep breath I marched up to the door, and knocked. Praying silently that his mom didn't answer. As the door unlocked, I almost bolted. My sneakers edged towards the street. The door swung open and relief poured over me. It was Eyeball, I would later find out he wasn't just there for the holiday season, and his wife gave him the boot for a month or so. He grunted, "Lachance, whatta you want?"

"Is Chris here?" I tried to peek passed him into the front hall but he was too close to the screen door for me to see. He snickered, "So you can rough him up more?" Eyeball's head cocked to the side. Regardless of how old he got he'd still have a little Cobra in him, with his trying-to-be-tough look.

I didn't have time for this. "Is he here or not?" Came out sharp. Eyeball pulled away from the door to shout into the house, "Hey Chris! Someone's here to see you!" I heard footsteps and my heart beat quickened. The words were disappearing from my head. Eyeball has vanished in the blink of an eye, and I could see Chris coming towards the door.

My sneakers wanted to pull me away, and I would've gone with them if I could've moved. I don't know what it is about Christopher Chambers, maybe it's the fact that I've known him so long, maybe it's his comforting smirks, or kind eyes, whatever it was I just couldn't force myself to run off.

"Let's take a walk." He said already reaching for his coat. I just nodded, and turned around, I heard the screen open and the door close, He was right beside me. Once we got down the street a little ways I finally found my voice, "So where've you been?" there was the crunching of snow under shoes, the sound of a passing car.

"Under lock down." He said a bruise was fading on his jaw. I didn't ask about it.

"Not for our fight, right?" I asked daring to keep my eyes on him for more than a second.

"Not for our fight." He returned eye contact for a split second. "It was Marlene." When I didn't say anything he went on. "She told her mom, I pressured her into sex. Her mom went ballistic, called my mom furious, screaming to the high heavens. I got chew out like she did. Didn't believe me when I said I didn't. Told me I was just like my brother when it came to chasing skirts. Been suck in the house ever since." I just nodded slowly. I knew she was no good.

"Guess she wanted to get me back for embarrassing her." He shrugged, as we rounded the corner. The streets seemed vacant. It was quiet for a while.

"I tried to sneak out, and my mom saw me leave. I just made mine worst." He was lighting up a cigarette, he passed me one, "I'm surprised, Gordo." He said slightly muffled around the tobacco stick. Just the way he said it made my head wonder from the conversation, to take a look and realize how mature we'd become. How older we seemed. "So why'd you break out?" Brought me back to earth, or at least Castle Rock.

"I needed to talk to you." Came out sort of mumbled. We ducked into an alley. It seemed appropriate "The whole, Marlene…" Searching for the right word, but it just wasn't there, "Thing. It was shitty, Chris. I don't care if it was another attempted to be like everyone else. Fuck them." We were in the wintry shadows, I stepped a little closer.

"It wasn't fair to me. You don't get it, when you're off flirting around with girls you don't get jealous because you're the one doing it!" I gave his shoulder a shove. He just looked at me with wide eyes. I flicked my half smoked cigarette on the ground, and crushed it with my toe.

He went to say something but looked down. For once I felt in charge, but guilt was fluttering in my chest. Some slipped out of his mouth but I couldn't hear it, it was so quiet. I raised his chin up so I could look at him. "I'm sorry." Echoed off the dirty walls of the alley.


	20. Chapter 20

An apology, that's what I got. It didn't fit for some reason, I thought I'd feel better getting things straight, hearing him feel bad about what he did, and after all that, I just felt like a jerk. We wandered around until he brought up getting home before his mom did. We walked solemnly there, and I just watched his back retreat as he strode up the front steps.

When he disappeared behind the door, dread filled my stomach. Now I'd have to face my punishment. My shoes were heavy like cinderblocks as I shuffled towards home. The sun was dipping below the trees and the winter streets hummed in silence. I missed summer.

My house finally came into view, looking harmless and homey but on the inside was a different story. I swallowed thickly and made my way inside. "Gordon Lachance!" Rang out as soon as I shut the door. My mother looked so furious, her face was tinted red, her eyebrows and nose scrunched. I should've just stayed out.

She proceeded to fume about how angry she was, how worried. She paced the floor, her shoes clicking with each step almost like punctuation to her statements, and I just stood there wide eyed, clenching my jacket. Her arms were waving around, "And if you weren't home by sundown, young man, I was going to call the police! Your father is so disappointed in you for disobeying us! Your not allow out of this house until after Christmas break, is that understood?" Hands on her hip, huffing and puffing, her hair was in disarray.

"Yes, ma'am." I frowned down at my soaked shoes. I knew it was going to be bad, I half expected my dad to be there screaming at me, grounding me until graduation, going on and on about how Denny would have never done such a thing.

"Dinner's almost ready, wash up." My mom turned on her heels and stormed into the kitchen.

Dinner passed awkwardly with stern looks from both sides of the table, I could barely breath.

* * *

Being confide to the house, my days were filled with doing massive amounts of housework to straight out my behavior problem. However after day three of my punishment my mom laughed at me pushing the vacuum around the living room like it was going to break. After that I knew she wasn't mad anymore, which made prison a whole lot easier.

I was allowed out of the house for Christmas shopping. I held things and carried boxes and bags home, but I wasn't allowed out of my mother's sight other than trips to the bathroom.

Standing in the clothing store, I had three women's dress draped over my arm, feeling ridiculous, listening to her hum over with color would fit her sister best, the lilac, or the orchid. I just stared at them, feeling embarrassed. "Dorothy, so good to see you." It was Mrs. Chambers, smiling at the two of us.

They chattered away, my mom asked about the lilac, orchid thing, and I stopped listening. I was too busy keeping an open eye out for anyone I knew; I shifted the clothes to my other arm. Mrs. Chambers spoke up; asking my mom about whether or not she could keep an eye on Chris while the rest of the family was away. He'd some way weaseled out of going to his grandmothers after Christmas. My mom couldn't say no, she was mostly over the fact that'd we had been fighting over some girl. Whether or not she really fully understood the situation.

* * *

Christmas Eve was when my dad finally stopped reminding me how much trouble I was in and even offered to let me help him finish putting ornaments on the tree. So Christmas passed with out any Denny gloating, or reminding me that I wasn't allow out without parental supervision.

Two days after Christmas, Chris showed up early morning. His folks needed to get a head start before all the holiday traffic caught them up mid-morning. He'd gotten a haircut, no more drooping bangs, and it was like I hadn't seen him in forever.

I wasn't sure what was with us. Once alone, around midnight my parents fast asleep. We were lounging on the couch, him at one end and me at the other, watching Christmas movies, because nothing else was on. Both of our legs were bent at the knee, calves touching, neither of us really paying attention to the figures moving across the screen.

My mind was racing, I didn't want to make a move towards him, and so I'd been shifting my arms against my stomach awkwardly. We hadn't been on our own without some kind of conflict between us in a while. We were out of the groove, not the physical side either; it was more like uncomfortable silence between best friends. Where you don't know what to say or bring up because you lost that easiness.

I wanted to clear my throat or accidentally bump him, something to get his attention without having to open my mouth. It was just to weird sitting there with nothing to say. I was sick and tired of either feeling like an asshole or guilty, or like something wasn't right.

Taking in a deep breath I took my eyes off the TV, the lights were off, the screen casting a glow over the room. I was nervous, my chest felt tight. I wiped my hands on my jeans; did the room suddenly get warmer?

Something needed to be said, right then and there or I was going to flip out. "Chris." Came out a little louder than I expected.

His head turned towards me, "Do you want something to drink? I'm going to the kitchen." I was already pulling my legs from his getting ready to leap off the couch and take shelter in the kitchen like the coward I was.

"The movie's just is getting good." He said, "They're about to find out who took the money." His hand reached out and snagged my knee holding it firmly. "Wait until a commercial." Chris' eyes flickered from me to the TV and back. So I sighed and settled back in.

"Oh alright." I gave in; a scrape of tension was eased.

"Good." A grin was flashed my way, before his attention was back on the box. I thought neither of us were paying attention. A few minutes passed, the bad guy was revealed, and Chris' hand was still on my knee. I couldn't help but smile. An ad for toothpaste started playing and I tried to get up. However, that hand was still firmly on my knee.

I attempted to wiggle free but Chris didn't budge. A smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth. The hand traveled farther up my leg, and without even thinking I stopped it just at my upper thigh, holding on to his rough palm.

When I looked up he was staring at me, wide eyed, mouth slightly open. "What?"

"What do are you doing?" I asked. Chris shrugged and looked towards the TV. It was like he forgot that for the pass few weeks I hadn't seen or talked to him. "I mean I missed you too, but I think that isn't the best right now." His eyes turned even more from me.

There was the guilt sitting on my chest again, but I wasn't about to have awkward make-up sex on my parents couch. I let go of his hand, tossing it back at him, and made my way to the kitchen.

After my third glass of water, he came slinking in with his head down. Chris leaned against the counter, catty corner to where I was; quiet. I was going to say something, my mouth halfway open when I heard it, the slight sound of trying not to cry.

Chris has been one of the only boys to see me cry, and vice versa for him. His shoulder shuddering, trying to hold it in, to keep welled up tears from slipping over bottom eyelids. I slipped my arm around his shoulders, without saying anything.

After a few minutes, he'd gotten control and looked up at me, eyes red. "Gordie, I just don't know how to fix things. Man, we used to be so easy, you know? It was simple, we didn't have to work at us, because it was natural." He paused, and my throat was getting tighter by the second. "Then I had to go and fuck things up. First it was me kissing you, then trying to make you jealous with some girl, hell then I had to try and have a girlfriend and expect you to be okay with that." Chris' voice was shaky. "Now here you are through it all, sure you got me a good one, and made be feel like a piece of shit, maybe that's what I deserve, but fuck Gordo I just want my friend back, I just want it to be easy." He was attempting to hurry tears away with his knuckles.

I was slumped against him, my forehead on his shoulder, crying myself, "Me too, Chambers, me too."

**A/N: I FINALLY get to post this. **


	21. Chapter 21

We ended up in my room, awkwardly arranged on my bed. Both of us too tall to completely fit on it together, our legs were cramped. My head was resting on his chest, shoulders half curved, our hands intertwined lying on my stomach. Our tears dry neither of us would readily admit we'd been crying. Chris and I laid there for a couples minutes trying to regain composer enough to talk.

"I'm sorry I've been such a jackass." His chest vibrated under me. I couldn't deny that statement, but I'd done my own fair share of being a jerk. "I ruined our whole friendship." I could tell there was another lump starting to clog his throat. "Shit I ruin everything, I'm just one be screw up." Heavy breaths were under me. I squeezed his hand.

"Man, don't cry, you're not a screw up. C'mon Chris." I tried to be kind and reassuring, trying to be a friend. I was going to comfort him like he hadn't stomped all over my feelings more that once. Chris took in a big breath, and held it there for a while. "I've had my share of being an asshole. At least you weren't drinking yourself stupid because of jealousy. God damn it! All we do give and take Chris. You get your moments of denial and get my fits of fear for losing me best friend."

After my quiet outburst he was still, just breathing shallowly, I was about to elbow him to see if he was awake, when he cleared his throat, as if asking if I needed to get more out. "Chris, didn't you ever realized before you made the dumb choice to tackle me and kiss me that if we weren't together like that, we wouldn't even be able to be friends? Did you think about that with Marlene? Or when you were trying to shove me away in the woods with Jenny and Judy? That if we weren't you know, whatever the hell this is," I jiggled our hands to make a point, "that we wouldn't be friends anymore. That it would be weird of painful?" I stopped my rant and tilted my head back to try and get a glance at his face; I could barely make anything out through the dark.

"Gordie, all we do is fight. Ever since this summer, we've been back and forth. Why can't it be easy anymore?" He was really struggling with it.

"Because you want to be normal, and I want you to be mine." Slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. "I'm tried of arguing with you over girls, of chasing you, of being sorry and feeling like an asshole." I fumed, I was sick and tired of feeling like a jerk for everything I did to him.

He huffed, obviously feeling guilty for getting us into this. "Gordie, I don't know what to do. It's only December, we have to get out of here before we can you know." I didn't know what he meant.

"You know what?" I asked.

"You know, be together. Gordo, they'd hang us from trees here if anyone found out. It's just be safer to be friends right now." Chris explained calmly, I however was slightly panicking.

"That's what we are Chambers, we're friends that's why we aren't hanging for a damn tree right now. " I informed him.

"All I'm saying is maybe we should let things cool off." His voice was going monotone something was up. I sat up and looked at him, my eyebrows raised.

"What the hell have we been doing since that little sleazy girl came along, minus the night you couldn't keep your fucking hormones in check and ran over here for a fix?" I was pissed. If we kept going like we were this friendship was going to crack under the strain. "And what the hell was that on the couch down stairs, was that you plan of letting things cool off?" Chris sat up surprised at my tone.

"Gordie, just-"

"Just what Chris? If we have to get out, why couldn't you wait for your little kiss until after graduation and just saved us the heart ache?" My arms were crossed. There we go fighting again, trouble was all it was. I was trying to keep my voice low to avoid waking my parents up.

"I know you're pissed, but, but what else are we going to do?"

"I'll tell you what, Chambers your going to act like your typical self and chase after the girls, and I'll just sink farther into unpopularity until I get my diploma, and we'll just go our separate ways." I was serious, I didn't want to 'cool off' or take a break, we needed to figure things out or this was going to end horribly.

He was silent for a long time. I was on the verge of shoving him out of my room so I could be upset and act like a girl while he felt like the bastard he was. "Are you breaking up with me?" Shocked by the word choice my brain took a second to come back with something and when it did anger was behind it.

"Are you saying we're in a relationship?" He crumbled at that, doubling over in guilt, and pity panged in my stomach, I wanted to reach out and comfort him, pat his back or something, but I was too upset to let myself do that.

"Gordie, I-I fuck, I love you. That's all I know, and I just don't want to get beat to death and I don't want to be called a faggot or a queer, I just want to g-getting the hell out of here and have my best friend right there with me. I don't know what we are, it's too stupid to call us a couple because were more than that."

I was speechless in the dark and all I could do was choke up and let him hug me, fucking Chris Chamber made me cry like a little girl when I was so pissed off.


	22. Chapter 22

Our break zipped by fast. After our heart to heart in the dark I attempted to just level things out. Chris spent his entire stay on the couch and I slept in my bed and that was that. We played cards and did chores for my mother; I tried to not to worry about what would happen when we were back in school.

Girls whispered in the hall as we passed by. We weren't overly friendly towards each other. We just drifted along. However I couldn't ignore the pats on the back or the "Man I can't believe you did that." From all the kids that were in shock that I would jump Chris Chambers and 'win'.

Slowly it happened, girls smiling at me, batting their lashes like they did for Chris. They'd buzz around my locker and ask to borrow my notes or ask how I did on my geography quiz. I didn't think much of it I just answered the questions. Then I caught his look from across the hall. That look of jealousy that I know had been lurking in my eyes.

The tables had turned with him and I. We sat together at lunch. Him on the other side of the table, "So I hold my own against you in a fight and I instantly gain some popularity. I should've done it ages ago." I laugh. Chris scowled at me from behind his milk carton. Just as he was taking a drink Teddy slapped him on the back sending milk all over his tray. Chris twist back staring daggers at a grinning Teddy, Vern was cowering at his side. I assumed his girlfriend was out of the picture if he was palling around with Teddy again. Teddy took a seat next to me.

"I can't believe scrawny little Lachance got one over on you Chambers." Teddy laughed. I smiled into my hand. Vern eased next to Chris eyeing him cautiously.

"What the hell is this, so Gordie gets in a few good punches on me and now he's Mr. Popular? I didn't realize I was such a big deal." Chris huffed.

"M-maybe it's just a change, you know?" Vern piped up. All of our eyes on him, Chris clapped him around the neck and shook him.

"I made Gordie look good, that's all it is." Chambers flashed his smile right at me. "So what the hell have you two been up to?"

* * *

After hearing about Teddy and Vern's shop classes and how Vern was caught with a hicky from somebody else ended his relationship lunch was over and we all shuffled to class. I was in math when I familiar jab to my shoulder caused me to turn around. Marlene, sitting there smirking at me. If she had a note I was going to seriously tear it apart and throw it at her.

She didn't have a note; no she just asked me in a low voice what I was doing after school. I shrugged turning my attention back to the board. She whispered in my ear, "We should get together." Marlene giggled slightly backing off. I didn't know to think, but I was pissed off.

I gritted my teeth until the end of class. She didn't want Chris because he was a hood, and then what was I? I started the fight. Did I just knock Chris out of his status or something? I was still a skinny kid, lanky and uncoordinated. If anyone knew the real reason we were beating the snot out of each other in the bathroom, girls wouldn't be flirting with me. I'd really have the snot beat out of me.

* * *

Chris and I were walking home from school, January had faded away and we were so close to spring I wanted to reach out and grab it. "So Marlene wants to get together with me." I said more to the sidewalk than Chris. He was quiet for a while.

"So she dumps me, so she can chase you?" He finally said chuckling at the idea. Things had cooled off between us, no more sneaking around at night, kissing, or him sleeping in my bed. Those things had to stop before our friendship ripped itself apart.

There were those occasions in the dark of my living room where his hand would find mine near the popcorn bowl or I would tease him in a flirty manner about his grades. We had toned it down, because it wasn't worth hating each other in the end.

"I don't think she wants to chase me, she wants me." I winked at him, trying to act sly; I ended up slipping on some slush and landed on my ass. He helped me up while trying to hold back tears of laughter.

* * *

My mom noticed us falling back into our habit of being friends. "I'm just so glad you two fixed the problem." She told me one night after dinner when I was helping her with the dishes.

"I am too, we were fighting over stupid things." I said, putting plates back where they belonged. Even if that wasn't the truth, it was. Fighting over girls, fighting each other, hating each other. It was stupid.

"Well at least you two can finish out the year with it behind you." She was right; we were so close to the end. I didn't know if I should be excited or not.

Girls were still giving me the eye, chatting me up, trying to get me to go somewhere, especially Marlene. She persisted with cookies and notes and I politely declined accepting them. Teddy and Vern called me crazy at lunch; they'd become a usual occurrence at our table, where Marlene would buzz about like an unwanted fly.

She shot looks at Chris and then would pretend he didn't exist, the same thing I went through when they were a couple. When she got the hint to go away, Vern would dive into whatever bake good had been left. Even if his baby fat had melted away with age he still didn't pass up sweets. I let him and Teddy split it.

After school studying at my house Chris finally piped up, "Now I know how you felt." He said quietly. I looked up from my novel and frowned. "I can understand why you were so pissed off at me and you don't even play into it."

"Feels pretty awful don't it?" I asked quietly. He nodded.

"I didn't think I'd be so…jealous." He stammered over the word. We just stopped talking about jealously, love, and relationships that night I cried. Here it was weeks later poking it's way back into conversation. "Girls just drape themselves over you." Chris huffed.

"Like they did to you are parties." I chimed in.

"I'm sorry for being such an asshole." Chris said, coming over to sit on my bed.

"I was an asshole too, don't worry about it." I focused on my book once more but he was too close. Too close not to notice, sitting there looking at me like that. I slowly lifted my eyes from the page. He wasn't going to surprise attack me like he did in the woods, he wasn't going to force me to. Chris just looked at me, with kind eyes. So I did it, I leaned over and kissed him.

So much for holding out in simplicity.


	23. Chapter 23

We didn't jump back into him sleeping in my bed. I couldn't do that just yet. Not after what had happened when he was seeing Marlene. There was apart of me that didn't want to fully trust him not to run off with other girls. After a couple weeks my popularity faded quickly and died silently. Girls stopped giving me the eyes and flocking around my locker.

Teddy and Vern missed the cookies and cakes Marlene would bring by the lunch table, she had moved on to some jock that was excelling in his spring sport. "You just can't get a guy used to something so wonderful and then stop." Vern pouted, Teddy jabbed him in the arm a good one.

"Quit your complaining. If you want to date that vulture do something bold." He hooted. Vern waved him away.

"I just might." He answered puffing out his chest.

"Take a pointer from Gordo hear and deck that guy in the face. That might get her attention." Chris winked at me. I just shook my head.

"Vern if you want cake that bad ask that girl that's always leaving hickeys on you." I pointed out. Vern flushed red and focused on the table.

"Not the baking type." He mumbled. Chris slapped him on the back as he was getting up to throw his trash away.

"Speak up, Vern." Chambers cooed.

"She doesn't bake." He huffed turning an even deeper shade of red.

"Why so embarrassed Tessio?" I teased, heading to dump my tray and get ready to head to class. Vern simply shrugged and hurried to clear away his garbage.

Chris and I chuckled all the way to math; Vern was still incredibly awkward and easy to poke fun at. It didn't hit me until have way through learning a new formula that Teddy didn't join us in the taunting efforts. I shook it off and turned back to my work.

* * *

After class Chris followed me out of school, looking bewildered. "I hope you understood that because I'm completely lost." He gripped his algebra book.

"So we'll be working on math tonight?" I smirked. He nodded looking at me wide eyed as we headed down the street. I was tempted to turn the other way and steer him toward his house. Just to ensure we'd work. His dad didn't particularly like guests over unless it was for a good reason, and Chris's grades were a good reason.

We continued for my house, however. "Do you think the Teddy has something for that girl Vern is fooling around with?" I asked. Usually I didn't want to get involved in whatever those two were doing because we rarely hung out outside of school but Teddy was usually number one to bust Vern's balls over something. It's how they always were, ever since we were kids.

"Maybe, why do you think?" Chris shuffled next to me. Spring was in full bloom, the trees were already green, and I sneezed from pollen.

"When we were ripping on him about her not making him baked goods, Teddy didn't join in like usual." I said wiping my nose.

"Damn, Gordie."

"What?"

"Think you're a little over observant? Maybe he was distracted he doesn't have the long attention span."

I shrugged and was quiet for a while, Chris could be right. "Don't know, it just seemed odd, that's all."

"Besides what girl would go for Teddy over Vern? The kid is bat shit insane." He laughed. I flashed a smile it was true. He was out there and loud. Most girls would steer clear for their own sake.

"One day we should go camping, to catch up." I suggested.

"Yeah, we should." He nodded.

When we got to the house I made sure we took up post at the kitchen table, it was my way to guarantee we'd get work done, and he wouldn't persuade me into another activity. My mom offered us a snack, and headed off to do some housework. After working through a few problems and their solutions together, I let him finish the homework on his own. I check it later with my own.

"We got the same answers." I smiled.

"If writing doesn't work out, you should teach." He laughed. I had helped Chris throughout high school with his classes. It's not that he wasn't smart; he just struggled with the pace of them. There were plenty of nights we'd sit on my bed studying and working on projects, where his brow would crease and his nose would scrunch up in concentration. He never gave up, even if it took us three hours to finish.

Mom entered asking, "Chris, are you staying for dinner? I can call you mom if you are." My mom had insisted after Chris and mines fight to always let Chris's mom know when he was stay, just as a precaution. I wasn't really sure why.

"If you don't mind." He responded with a flash of his toothy smile.

"Of course not." She gave a laugh and disappeared into the hall.

When it was just dad, mom, and I at dinner, dad would talk about his day and mom would nod and ask all the right questions as I push mash potatoes or carrots around my plate. When Chris was over dad would only answer questions with short sentences and then mumble about how we were such good studiers and let my mom navigate conversation. He still didn't like Chris too much, based on his dad and brother it wasn't fair, but none of us said anything about it.

Chris headed home after helping mom and I clean up. We were standing on the porch. It was cool the sun was going down and the wind had picked up. Spring hadn't warmed up enough. I wanted a jacket but I didn't want to go back inside.

We stood there talking for a few minutes the wind cutting through my back, I shivered. He laughed at me my arms crossed tightly and the sour expression on my face. "Come on Lachance, it isn't that bad." He snickered. I huffed and rubbed my arms. "Well I'll let you be a wuss and go inside." He stepped closer. Closer than he should've been.

We were on my porch; my parents could easily walk out and see, in daylight someone could drive by. My heart thudded loud. He reached out and hugged me close. My arms trapped between us, so I stood there a little awkward. Ever so quickly a kiss was planted on the corner of my jaw and then he let me go and was already on the second step. "See ya tomorrow." He flashed me a grin and headed off into the hazy evening. I went from being so cold, to a flush spreading over my face, heat traveling down my back and pooling in my stomach. I had to make myself breath. Damn that Chambers.

**A/N: So I figured I incorporate Vern and Teddy in, because they're so lovable and fun. And I'm so terribly sorry for such long breaks between posts. Senior year is busy, busy, busy all the time. I hope you enjoy. **


	24. Chapter 24

** A/N: First off I feel ungodly terrible that I haven't updated but you reviewers have always had kind words for me and I thank you. Secondly, I want Teddy and Vern in here and damn it they will be so I hope you enjoy them in there too. Lastly I hope you like this update and I want to keep on keeping on with Gordie and Chris, hopefully college is kind. Enjoy!**

Spring wasn't really ready to let the cold melt away, not yet anyway. It was the beginning of March and we had an unexpected snow storm in the middle of a Wednesday. The halls buzzed with excitement as the bell rang. Chris and I headed to lunch, "It's just snow, and we've already had a ton of it." He mumbled with a scowl. I shrugged snatching some milk.

"I know but maybe they'll let us out early." I attempted to brighten his mood. He just stalked over to our usual spot taking a seat next to Vern and stabbing at his Salisbury steak. I slid next to Teddy who looked just as sour as Chris.

"It needs to warm up already so we can plan this stinking camping trip." He huffed. It seemed like the storm clouds from outside were circling around our table. I gave Vern a confused look and he just shrugged. Chris had been extra weird since Valentine's Day but this was the first time Teddy wasn't screaming about how pissed he was, and it wasn't about our camping trip.

After a few very awkward silent minutes I cleared my throat, "Well we shouldn't really go camping until the end of April anyway unless you want to freeze to death that night."

"Yeah, it'd be pointless. " Vern piped up looking to Teddy whose jaw tensed up. He eyed Vern with that crazy look he usually got when something was bugging him.

"Shut up you are just a wuss." He snapped. Teddy grabbed his tray and stomped over to the trash and left the cafeteria. Even Chris's eyes got wide as we sat there in disbelief.

"What the hell just happened?" I asked.

"He must've forgotten to take his crazy pills or something." Chris muttered. I shot him a look, even if Teddy was a screw ball, he was our friend, not some freak show.

"He's having a bad day, I guess." Vern pushed corn into his gravy. I raised my eyebrows, something was up and it was more than a bad day for Teddy. Vern had even more hickeys and it was becoming hot gossip among the girls of our class of who was leaving them. I could only conclude that it was some girl that Teddy had his eye one and Vern was just rubbing it in his face without knowing. The only thing that I couldn't put my finger on was that Vern never told Chris and me who it was no matter how much we pestered him.

I brought it up the Chris while we were pouring over our chemistry notes. "I don't know, Gordie. It's not really our business." I scribbled something down in the margin and looked at him. His brow creased, he and I had been strictly on a friend biases since the whole Valentine stunt. He never stayed for dinner anymore and barely talked to him if it didn't involve school or the weather.

* * *

Back in February he wanted to show me how much he cared, he was tired of me trying to refrain from physical contact other than a normal sideways hug. I was trying to keep us normal, trying to stop us from shredding all the friendship we had left. But I guess all the hearts, chocolates, and girls had Chris's mind somewhere different than reality. He'd slipped a note inside my locker when no one was looking. It was a poem but it wasn't long. It hit me the wrong way. If I was a girl maybe I would've enjoyed it, maybe I wouldn't have been so ticked. I read it, recognizing the familiar chicken scratch I stormed over to him and grabbed his arm. He was trying to ruin our friendship, he was throwing it away with his love note. He turned soft eyes on me, an unspoken question of what? Hanging between us and I couldn't help but feel stupid. People stopped what they were doing to watch us, until it felt like every eye in the hall was staring.

Vultures waiting for the next Chris and Gordie rumble. They wanted us to start throwing punches and screaming. They wanted bloody noses and black eyes. Too bad they didn't get it; an English teacher had spotted us. I quickly dropped his arm, just then Vern appeared out of nowhere to usher me away. Later he caught up to me on my way home.

"I was just doing something a little heartfelt." He said tugging on the back of my jacket. I gave him a stern look. "I'm glad I didn't get you flowers or chocolates. You'd probably freak out even more." He jerked even harder my jacket. I turned to face him stopping in my tracks.

"Could you keep your voice down?" I bit back my volume, "I'm not some skirt that loves romance Chambers. I'm a guy. I don't want your sappy poem." I reached into my pocket and tossed the crumbled piece of paper at him. He leaned over to pick it up, hurt in his eyes. I turned to trudge on home but I was being shoved. I tried to fight but I had to face it Chris was still bigger than me and stronger. He pushed me into an alley, it was deserted. My back was against a brick wall, I couldn't move. Hurt had turned into something else in those eyes.

"Nothing is ever right with you! Nothing. I can't do anything without you getting pissed off at me. Gordie, I don't know you anymore, I don't know what the fuck you turned into but you ain't the kid I knew." His face was so close; he was almost spitting his words in my face. "You get jealous when I talk to a girl, you get angry when I try and write you something nice, you piss and fucking moan about how I ruined our friendship. I can't win with you. You're not my best friend anymore you look at me like I'm some freak. What happened to the kid that was a freak with me?" His voice was strained; he was trying to keep from crying. He was trying so hard not to let me see him crack under the weight of it all.

I was trapped against that wall feeling guiltier than ever the more his words sunk in the more I felt like a piece of shit. "Don't act like I made you do the stuff that you've done. Don't act like I'm some pathetic hood who tricked you. I'm sick of it. Sick of being judged by my best friend, don't you dare stand there and act like you don't love me you asshole, because one way or another you fucking do. So stop trying to make me feel like everything is my fault." The wall broke and tears spilled over, he tried his best to wipe them away before I saw, but I did. I did and later I couldn't get that image out of my head.

I tried to hug him, I moved from the wall and went to put my arms around him and he shoved me away. He backed into the wall and sat down. His head buried in his hands. I went to comfort him but he looked up with red eyes, "Don't you dare try and make this better. We keep trying to make this better and it doesn't work. It's shit, Gordie. All of this is just shit. So just do the fuck home and deal with it. Deal with being an asshole." He got up and stalked towards his house. I stood there dazed for a long time, just letting my mind wander. I didn't know if I wanted to yell or cry. I eventually made home for dinner. I couldn't sleep all night.

* * *

I felt like a miserable person for a long time after that, I gave him my best apology. It wasn't enough but he stopped being so angry with me and I got him to get his grades back up. So when he told me it wasn't our business I just accepted it. I didn't want to fight with him anymore. I just wanted us to make it to graduation and then we could sort out our own mess. Chris craned his neck over to look out the window, snow was laying fast. It was starting to cover the road. He sighed and closed his notebook. "Gotta go, Gordo." He said tucking his books into is backpack.

I looked up at him. He was standing there and actually waiting, usually he just headed out without a goodbye. "Well, uh I guess I'll see you tomorrow if it doesn't get too bad." I scratched my neck awkwardly. We were all alone, mom and dad off visiting my mother's sister. He just kept looking at me, I couldn't read his face. His hand settled on my forearm. Finally I said, "I'm so damn sorry." I looked away. I couldn't watch emotions flicker on to that familiar face. "I'm so sorry, I fucking hurts, Chris. It bothers me all the time." He squeezed my forearm and let go.

I looked at him, my face burning. How did we manage to fuck up so bad? How? Why? I couldn't even remember what it felt like to sit in a room with him and know that we were completely okay. We were cool, no pressure or hard feelings. My heart thudded so loud in my head. His eyes softened and I just wanted to hug him, but I didn't. "It's okay." He said and left.

I couldn't control it anymore, and I cried like a stupid girl. Half of me hating myself and the other half wondering if it was really okay.


	25. Chapter 25

The snow melted two weeks later and Chris's frosty feelings seemed to go with it. The only upset at school was still Teddy. He was being more obnoxious than usual, shouting at random people during lunch. It was more than embarrassing. Chris, Vern, and I would simply duck our heads and try and look as innocent as possible. He'd been in detention all of last week for using profanity in his writing class, Teddy's pot was certainly boiling over.

He'd tear out of the cafeteria like a bat out of hell, leaving the rest of us speechless. All we could do was stare at the door still swinging back and forth with curious eyes. Chris finally broke the silence, "Vern you're with him more than anyone else. What the hell is going on?" Vern avoided the question by mopping up some of Teddy's spilled milk with a napkin.

"Seriously, you have to know what his deal is." I insisted. Teddy and Vern were like Chris and I in a way. Just more opposite, Teddy was loud and brave and Vern stuttered like a spineless jellyfish. Despite their traits they got along perfect, or at least they had.

"I don't know. He doesn't really even talk to me anymore." His tone was defeated. Vern's eyes never left the table.

"Is it 'bout all those hickeys? Is he jealous? Wasn't that your theory, Gordie?" Chris's sly smile couldn't relax Vern; he sighed and gripped his tray.

"I s'pose." He frowned, "Nothing I can do but let him go off and do what he wants." He picked lint off his shirt and got up.

"But man, he's making himself look insane, Vern. Nobody wants him around; he's like this time bomb." I knew as well as he did but he just wouldn't admit it.

"I can't control him! I can't fix him! I don't know what's wrong!" He yelled. The tables around us fell silent and eyes turned to him in shock. Vern had gone quite a ways from being the chubby timid kid.

"Calm down." Chris told him, "Jesus, take a breath. This ain't an interrogation." He patted the bench next to him and Vern settled back down.

"Is he jealous? Is he sweet on the girl you've been buddy-buddy with?" Somehow in the weeks between the snow fall and now it had become our business to find out why he was being so…crazy.

"No. He's not sweet on her." Vern answered without much emotion.

"You sure?" Chris prodded.

"Yes, I'm sure." He was growing impatient with us, his tone was changing.

"Positive?" If the look in his eyes had the power to kill I'd be dead.

"Yes!" He huffed, jumping to his feet, tray in hand. "You have to ask him what his problem is. I'm not him." And with that he marched out the door. Chris and I sat there looking at each other bewildered.

Walking out of our final class, "Something is going on with them." Chris said.

"Obviously." My tone was dry. I was in my head trying to figure it out but nothing was adding up. "We need to talk to them separately. "

"We just tried that with Vern." He reminded with a slight eye roll.

"I meant privately, not at school one on one. Not…us cornering Vern." I suggested.

"So who gets who?"

"Well you're used to dealing with the ramblings of a screaming drunk, Teddy can't be worse." I tried to smile.

"Come on Gordie, that's low." He frowned.

"Chris, please. " I begged, sticking my bottom lip out and clasping my hands together. He sighed.

"Fine, but you owe me." He walked off trying to find Teddy in the crowd of students leaving. All I had to do was find Vern.

I hadn't caught up to him until he was most of the way home, "Vern!" I hollered running to catch up. He turned, pausing briefly to wait on me.

"What?" He asked, still in defensive mode. Vern always caught a lot of crap, not only at school but from his brother and all his hoodlum friends. I knew it really used to irritate him. Since we really hadn't hung out since we were kids I didn't know how he dealt with it now but the look on his face wasn't very friendly.

"Jeeze, calm down. I just wanted to apologize for lunch." I said backing away from him, my hands raised slightly. We were quiet for a while walking towards his house, the porch was beginning to sag with age.

"It's fine." He finally said stopping all he had to do was cross the street and he'd be home. "I just hate that people blame me for him being so…out there. Did everyone forget his dad's a really nut job? It's not my fault."

"Did his dad get out?" Teddy's dad had been in and out of the mental hospital since we were kids; he had screws loose and nearly burnt Teddy's ear off.

"Nah, he hasn't been out since we were freshmen." He shook his head and leaned against his neighbor's wooden fence. I sighed, Vern did had a point but that wasn't what was going on, if he hadn't seen his dad since then it wasn't some near death incident making him bonkers like a Saturday morning cartoon.

"I just can't figure out what his damage is." I said, frustrated.

"Maybe he's sick of getting turned away by recruiters." Vern muttered. Teddy had heard it all every time he tried to sign up for the service; he was blinder than a bat and couldn't hear as sharply as everyone else. Chris and I had heard about it in the halls, you could hear Teddy cursing up a storm the whole next day. Most of the time after a day or two he'd shrug it off and move on, it couldn't be that either. I leaned up against the fence with Vern looking at his house.

"Remember when you buried those pennies?" I asked. Thinking about that seemed like ancient history, when I glanced over at him, I practically could see twelve year old Vern smirking back at me with chubby cheeks. I miss that, that feeling of when we were twelve. Even if at the time things weren't simple, that seemed like it now, between everything between me and Chris, to Teddy freaking out and graduation crawling towards us.

"I never did find those god forsaken things!" He let his head bump lightly off the fence. "I guess if they ever tear down our house someone will find them." Vern frowned slightly and then laughed. I joined him and soon we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe and it really wasn't that funny in the first place. "Gordie, can you keep a secret?" He asked me suddenly. I nodded.

"Of course, man."

"I'm serious, you can't tell anyone. Not Chris, not anyone, especially not Teddy." His voice was low I had to lean over to hear him.

"I promise I won't tell anyone." I hadn't heard a secret in a long time, despite my own. Nostalgia was roaming all over my brain and I had a weird feeling in my chest.

"I swear to god Gordie, you can't say shit. Okay? This is serious. If you say anything I…I'm fucked." His voice was thinner than air.

"Shit Vern I promise." I nodded. He looked around even peeking over the fence. His street wasn't busy at all, but he dragged me over to his house and led me to the back yard. Vern's wide eyes scanning for any other person and then cupped his hand together around my ear. I felt like I was in elementary school again. "It hasn't been a girl leaving my hickeys." Traveled so quietly in my ear I almost didn't catch it, I looked at him. "I-I-I." He frowned and looked at his shoes. "Please don't hate me Gordie, I miss hanging around with you and Chris. I thought you might understand. You're…better than here, you understand things more than everyone here."

Vern was so concerned with me hating him, I just couldn't get over the fact that Chris and I weren't really…alone. Not that I would ever tell Vern. It's not that I didn't trust him; I just couldn't share it with anyone but Chris. It was him and I and no one else with our problem. We'd struggled so much I couldn't speak about it. "I don't hate you. Not at all. I mean I'm pretty weird myself, man. Do what makes you happy." I sounded cheesy, but that's what I wanted to hear from someone about my predicament.

He looked relieved. "It just stunk to keep it in. I just had to tell someone." I patted his shoulder.

"I won't tell a soul." Not matter how badly I wanted to tell Chris I couldn't. I promised, even if it made me feel better. Somehow I don't know what would happen if I repeated Vern's secret out loud. I didn't want to be responsible for something that wasn't mine and I couldn't control.

* * *

Later on my walk home I mulled everything over, again and again in my mind. When I reached my steps Chris was sitting on them. "How'd it go with Vern?"

"Good." I pushed all my other thoughts away, "Nothing revealing about Teddy. He's tired of everyone looking to Vern to know why he's so…odd." I shrugged sitting next to him, "How was Teddy?"

Chris laughed, "Well after a half an hour of him bitching about the Army and school and how stupid everything was, I brought up Vern's hickeys and he didn't want to talk anymore. He said Vern wouldn't tell him who's the skirt leaving them." All I could think about was it wasn't a skirt, never a skirt and all the thoughts I'd pushed down slammed into the front of my brain, bursting to get out. I swallowed.

"Maybe that's the problem, Vern won't tell him who." I suggested.

"Nah, he's not one to get upset over something so…I don't know, private?" Chris looked at me as I rubbed my forehead.

"We'll never know, guess we'll just have to deal with it." I stood up, Chris did the same.

"See ya tomorrow." He said going down a step but stopping to take hold of my arm, "Gordie, don't stress about it, you've already got plenty going on in your head." He gave me his typical Chris smile and headed home.

I couldn't help but think. While I was avoiding my homework, it clicked so fast I almost fell out of my chair. Vern and Teddy were running through the same emotions as Chris and I. Only more publicly, they were going through the same messed up dance, the thing was they were already ripping apart their friendship alarmingly fast and I didn't know how to fix me and Chris let alone them.

* * *

**A/N: So I'm not sure how well you guys will like this little loop in the story. Maybe it's a mistake, maybe foreshadowing, maybe a warning, you'll never know. But I plan on being a good person and to stop going forever long without an update. I recently read all my reviews and like I've said you guys have been nothing but supportive and kind and I hope you continue to be. I hope you like it. (:**


	26. Chapter 26

I didn't sleep much after I put my finger on it. I was doing what Chris told me not to, I was stressing out about it. At school Teddy was still going bananas and Vern looked like I was about to shout his secret out any minute. He fidgeted and jumped every time I tried to talk to him.

"What's his problem?" Chris asked me, "He acts like he's the next one you're going to corner in the bathroom."

"Ha-ha, funny." I rolled my eyes. "I don't know." I looked away trying not to look guilty of lying. Chris just reached into his locker and stuffed his backpack with books.

"Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't last long."

"Yeah, me too." I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't. Vern made me promise and Chris didn't need to dwell on it like I was.

* * *

A week later Vern was sporting a black eye and a scraped up, bruised face, Teddy a split lip and a nose that would just randomly cut loose and bleed uncontrollably. His glasses were taped together. I didn't ask when they sat down at the table; I just kept on eating my apple. Chris, however, couldn't resist. "Jesus H. Christ! What the hell happened to you two?" He could barely contain a sly smile.

Vern looked away passively not saying anything, Teddy was bursting with excitement. "Man, Vern-o and I were trying to bum some smokes of this guy Saturday, he was all surly drunk and was about to give us 'em, and these two other guys come stumbling outta the bar screaming. I tell them to shut the hell up, and they just charge me so Vern and I just start wailing on 'em. You should've saw 'em, probably went cryin' home to their old women." He grinned the whole story throwing his hands around wildly.

Vern looked around like nothing was interesting. "Shit, it looks like Vern took the worst of it." Chris looked at him, motioning for him the turn his head. Purple and yellow blotches covered from his hair line to halfway across his chin.

"Well the one guy got him down and was slamming his head into the sidewalk. I threw the other guy down and ripped that guy off of him before he turned his face into hamburger." Teddy was beaming with pride, Vern smiled uncertainly.

Vern had emerged from pudge and baby fat, he'd morphed into this solid mass, more lean. He was the size of some of the football guys. Puberty was kind to him. Teddy, on the other hand was only a little bigger than me and I was a bean pole. I looked at Vern with raised brows and he only looked away. The only way I could see Teddy throwing anyone around was if he was some kind of masked hero, and he wasn't.

"Lucky they didn't have knives." I muttered. Hoping Teddy wouldn't re-fabricate his tale to have some. We'd be lucky if we didn't hear his story floating around the halls about how it was five guys instead of two.

* * *

We had a science project to work on so Chris and I headed to my house to start it. "I don't think Vern and Teddy won that fight." He laughed, "Did you see how beat up they were, damn. Too bad they didn't beat on Teddy's ego."

"I don't think they fought two guys." I pushed the front door open.

"Fought two guys? Who?" My mom passed by with the mop. She stopped and looked at us; the stern look was taking over her face.

"Teddy and Vern." Chris answered immediately, more intimidated of her than I was.

"Oh." She pushed the mop a few more times, "Their poor mothers. Mrs. Tessio already had her hands full with Billy. Mrs. Duchamp hasn't been all right since her husband was put back into the hospital." She shook her head. "I'm glad I had such good boys." Her smile was a little sad and she kept mopping. I watched her move into the kitchen with a frown.

"So you don't think they did?" Chris asked heading up the stairs.

I followed him, "No. I mean Teddy pull a guy off that's big enough to get Vern on the ground?"

"Vern's not tough, Gordie. He's still a wuss." Chris snorted. I pulled out our back board and snatched the box of permanent markers from my desk laying them carefully on the floor. I looked at him and shrugged. Maybe he was right but it still didn't seem very realistic to me. "It might've been just one guy." He said while he was trying to write in his best hand writing our results.

"I guess." I didn't really want to talk about it anymore because if I did I'd end up exposing Vern and I wasn't up to explaining everything. It wasn't my place.

I could just imagine Vern confronting Teddy or vice versa about how everything wasn't working. About how nothing was right and everything had turned to shit, like we had done too many times to count. Chris saying that Vern was a wuss was right. So Teddy would've gotten him on the ground and smashed his head as many times as he could because he was crazy. He'd stop somewhere when Vern stopped fighting back and look at him about to say something to fuel the fire. Vern would take the opportunity to punch him in the face managing to split his lip and another one for good measure clocking him in the nose. All of that flashed in my head. I sat there dazed.

Chris waved his hand in front of my face, "Gordie?"

"Yeah?" I focused on his face.

"Don't worry so much." He smiled and flipped through our notes. He was right, maybe I was wrong. I could just be projecting our problem on Vern and Teddy because it was easier than looking at Chris and me any more than I had to. "At least it wasn't us." He laughed.

Mom popped in asking is Chris was staying for dinner and he nodded yes, for once in a very long time. She disappeared and her footsteps faded down the stairs. I couldn't get my brain to stop, but at least he was comfortable enough to eat dinner with us again. It wasn't about being awkward; it was about building our trust back up. I managed to push Teddy and Vern to the back of my mind because that was them and they didn't need me butting into it. However, I could help but feel a tug on my heart.


	27. Authors Note

This is strictly an author's notes, sorry to disappoint you all looking for an update. Since my writing style has changed from the beginning of this fiction I'd like to re-write it. However I'd like you're all's opinion on this idea. Another reason I'd like to rewrite all the scenes you have enjoyed is to get me out of a rut with where I want to go with it. I've written myself into a corner. So give me feedback, let me know what you'd like to read and if you'd like a re-telling of the beginning. Please and thank-you because you all are awesome.


	28. Chapter 28

It was sometime in the beginning of April that I volunteered to help Vern locate his old tent for our camping trip. We had gotten distracted by a dusty stack of comic books in his attic. Cobwebs stretched over our heads, afternoon light filter in from the small window at the far end of the attic. I was sitting on an old trunk; he was nestled between a cardboard box and a busted dining room chair. Our trip was scheduled for the following weekend and we were making zero progress.

The spring sun heat was trapped amongst the rafters. "You haven't told anyone, have you?" He peeked over his cover of one of his old Mighty Mouse comics. He had been eyeing me suspiciously since he told me.

"No, Vern I haven't." I said glancing back to my own story. "You know I wouldn't break a promise."

"You haven't even told Chris?" He asked with a panicked look. Sweat rolling down his cheek, slipping passed light freckles that used to cover chubby cheeks.

"Not even Chris." My voice came out bored.

"Good, good." He let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Gordo, sincerely." He swiped his brow with the back of his hand.

"So, whose been the one leaving you hickeys?" I dared to utter not peering past Superman disguised as Clark Kent. I heard some shuffling then silence as he debated whether or not to tell me. I watched dust particles float in the corner.

"Gotta swear you won't tell." His voice was high and sharp. Nervous without a doubt.

'Yes, yes Vern, I swear on my mother's grave I won't tell." I was looking him dead in the eye. He swallowed uncomfortably.

"You remember Dan Yost?" Vern whispered. I vaguely did. He played on the football team, a position with no glory. Won second in the science fair, his brother had ran round with Denny. Tall, broad shoulders, crooked teeth but girls still crooned after him.

I nodded, "Yeah." Sliding off the trunk and scooting closer to Vern to hear him better.

"Well Teddy and I went to this party in the fall. All these guys who'd graduated were there sweeping up all the girls. Well somehow I'd been thrown into this game of truth and dare when the party was dying down." He looked down embarrassed, "Teddy refused to join, the girls were trying to get more guys to play but Dan and I were the only ones who agreed. We sat in this close circle in Kimmy Mcleer's basement and of course I was already drunk as a skunk."

I could image Vern in a smoke clouded basement with a bunch of giggling girls chanting at him to do things boys wouldn't normally do. "And?" I asked.

"Well after taking off my shirt, confessing who my first kiss was and another bottle of beer, they dared Dan and me to kiss each other." He looked down and fiddleled with the corner of his comic. "They weren't satisfied by the quick peck I gave him, they demanded we have a proper kiss." Vern blushed so hard; he paused taking a deep breath.

I waited patiently for Vern to continue his story. I shifted a couple boxes looking for the tent. "So we, you know. The girls just kept laughing and screaming for more. When I went to stop he just grabbed ahold of me and wouldn't let go until…well Teddy came down to tell me it was time to go…" His voice trailed away.

"Teddy flipped shit." I finished for him. He nodded and stuff the comics into a box and torn into another section of attic looking for his tent. Ten minutes passed the only sound you could hear was shuffling.

"He pulled me out of that party and cursed at me all the way home. He shoved me into my yard drunk and I slept on the porch swing. Man, he was pissed. Didn't look at me for a week, then things seemed fine." He paused pulled the tent out of its hiding place without a smile. He clutched it in his hands, rattling the poles inside.

"Dan Yost bumped into me at the store and said we should hang out. I told him we could after the first time we met up he wanted to go hang out at his house. One thing led to another and next thing I knew I saw him all the time and we were, you know. Teddy had asked me about it over and over and I refused to talk about it. Then that night of that stupid bar fight was that he jumped Dan when we were coming out of the diner. He was livid, screaming and shit. You know how he gets. Dan threw him off and Teddy started in on me. It was fucking ridiculous." He shook his head and sat on the same trunk I had been.

"You all survived obviously." I said trying to process all the information. I had thought it was Teddy, I was certain. I frowned and took the tent from Vern's grasp. "So?"

"So Teddy told Dan to take his queer ass to hell and leave me alone." Vern wiped his palms on his jeans. "We've barely talked. Dan said he didn't need some psychopath jumping out of dark alleys at him."

"Was he sad?" I asked, Vern's face was turned away from me, I couldn't see his expression.

"I think so. He wasn't quick to say goodbye." He turned back to me frowning.

"Want about you?" I leaned a little closer to rest my hand on his shoulder. Trying to imagine myself having to tell Chris goodbye, an unwanted lump formed in my throat.

"We did have some stuff in common. We talked a lot, 'bout older brothers. Billy was his brother's age. He took me to the movies, held my hand in the dark like it was nothing." Vern looked up at me, trying to smile. "Gordie, do you think I've got some kind of problem." His voice waivered.

I shook my head and squeeze his shoulder, "Vern, I think we can't help who we are attracted to and who we love. We just can't." I wish I could tell Vern that it was a struggle. Some days you hated yourself because you weren't 'normal'. Some days you were angry at everyone else for not understanding. That most days I just gritted my teeth and bared it.

"Gordie, is it bad that I'm a…" he faltered stumbling over his words, " faggot?" Vern's face looked so much younger the way he tried searching for my answer in my face.

"That's a fucking awful word Vern. Don't say it. You're still the same damn person. Don't start hating yourself for being different." I took the tent from his hands. "Come on lets go get something the drink, I'm dying up here."

He smiled at me and opened the trap door to the attic and paused, "Thanks Gordie."

"No problem Vern."

Thinking over everything Vern had told me later that night I couldn't help but feel terrible. I laid in bed feeling like a piece of shit. I couldn't risk telling Vern about Chris and I but I just couldn't get over how he was suffering by himself. Teddy calling him all kinds of names, my stomach lurched. I'd kick the shit out of him if I heard the words 'queer' or 'faggot' directed to Vern on that camping trip. I don't know how long I could go without telling Chris. For the same reasons with Vern, to comfort him, I just down right hated everything.


	29. Chapter 29

The days leading up to the trip I could barely stand to look at Teddy. Every time I thought of him screaming at Vern, shooting his mouth off about queers and hell, it made my stomach churn. It didn't take Chris long to notice me avoiding conversation at lunch, especially about the trip.

"Something up?" He looked at me after it took me a few long seconds to answer Teddy's question on whether or not I'd found my dad's old tent.

"Yeah Gordie, you getting chicken shit about this trip?" Teddy mocked stuffing the rest of his roll into his mouth, laughing. A part of me hoped he choked. Vern eyed me cautiously from the other side of Chris.

"Nah, just thinking, you know? Trying to make up a story for this trip, someone's gotta entertain you shitheads." I quipped, Chris cracked a smile, Vern let out a nervous sigh, and Teddy shrugged.

"Whatever, so someone has to remember food. It looks like we'll be sleeping under the stars, anyway." He crumpled his milk carton in his hand before chucking it at Vern, who surprisingly caught it for a couple seconds before dropping it under the table. He frowned and ducked under to retrieve it.

When he surfaced, "Then why the hell did Gordie and I sweat to death in my attic last weekend looking for mine? We found it." His cheeks were flushing as he frowned.

"It's calling for nice weather." Teddy snapped.

"Well I heard rain." Vern countered.

"Well that's a crock of shit." Teddy's voice got louder, his forehead wrinkling with anger. Vern was balling up his fists.

"We're taking it just in case." Chris said louder than both of them, "Jesus, stop getting so pissed off over some damn rain." Vern and Teddy glared at each other for a moment and then sank back into their chairs.

"Can we get along for this trip?" I asked after a long silence, the three of them looked at me. "I don't want to go if you all bitch at each other about some fucking tent." They laughed and I did too.

* * *

The night before the trip, Chris had shoved all his stuff in a knapsack and rushed over to my house. He dumped it out on my bedroom floor and stated, "I need to organize it." I knew he'd get frustrated and shove it back in there haphazardly, but I was willing to watch the show. By the time he got to his clothes, he'd balled them up and shoved them in with a grunt. "Stupid socks." He growled.

I rolled our sleeping bags neatly because he was too irritated to do that, he watched me from my bed. He was shuffling my playing cards. "So what's going on with you lately?" His voice was thin, restrained almost.

"Thinking." I answered tiredly. I just wanted that trip to be over. I wanted that year to be over. I wanted to graduated and get out of Castle Rock. I wanted. Wanted. Wanted. It was never enough.

"Bull shit, Lachance. Something crawled up your ass and died." He stopped laughing when I didn't crack a smile. I just stared up at him.

"Nothing's wrong, I just got a lot going on up here." I tapped my finger to my temple.

"I told you not to worry so much." He practically scolded me.

` "I can't help it." I growled, shoving his sleeping bag at him as I got up.

"Well what's bothering you?" Chris patted the space next to him. I leaned against the window instead of taking it.

"Just a lot of things." I said my voice barely audible. I felt so much older than I had that past summer. So much had changed, I couldn't stand it.

"You don't want to talk about it." His voice was airy; he wasn't looking at me anymore. Apart of me wished I could do it all over again. I could reverse what had happened and do it differently. I slumped over digging under my mattress for a pack of cigarettes that my fingers didn't find. Chris was focusing on the cards again.

"I can't. If I do things will just get…weirder." I said finally sitting next to him, leaning my back against the wall.

"Weirder?" He slipped the cards together and split them again. He was trying with all his will not to look at me.

"Let's just hope this trip goes well." I said, and we stopped talking until my mom called us down for dinner.

* * *

We set out around ten the next morning; we met at Vern's house. Teddy yawned on the front porch and gave Chris and me a weak wave. We sat our bags down and went over the check-list I'd made. We had everything but matches. So we had decided to swing by the general store to pick some up before we followed the train tracks, retracing our steps from when we were twelve.

We wouldn't follow them all the way to the Back Harlow Road, it was just too heavy. Even if many years had passed since we had seen the dead body of Ray Brower that place was somewhere I never wanted to see again. We had all agreed we'd camp out in one of the fields we'd passed, close to the Royal River.

Vern and I went into the store while Teddy and Chris shot the shit with some woodshop guy Teddy knew. I found the matches and picked up a big box. I turned to see if Vern was behind me and he wasn't he was ducking behind a can display. "What the hell are you doing?" I asked peering around the tomato soup. He pointed over to the magazine rack. There stood, Dan Yost, flipping through a Popular Mechanic.

I shook my head and yanked Vern's elbow. I dragged him passed Dan and to the check out. If he hadn't been whining and protesting we would've gotten out of there a lot sooner. "Vern?" A thick voice asked. I threw the matches down next to the cash register. Vern tried to look like he hadn't heard. "Vern? That's you."

We both turned. Dan Yost was taller than both of us. He was huge and slightly intimidating with his size. I passed my money to the guy behind the counter. "Yeah, it's me." Vern said, no doubt looking at his shoes.

"How's it been?" He asked following us to the door. Vern nearly tripped over a cardboard advertisement.

"Fine, fine. You?" He was trying his best to keep it short.

"Oh, I've been real busy." Dan closed the door behind all of us. Chris and Teddy were leaning in the shade. "It was good seeing you." He smiled at Vern and shuffled awkwardly away at the sight of Teddy. Vern attempted to wave.

"That was Yost wasn't it?" Chris asked. Vern nodded and walked quickly down the street, we all followed. "He's gotten huge since high school."

"He works at that factory outside of town." Vern mumbled. Teddy hung way back, staring into space. I could already tell it was a bad start. It took us twenty minutes to get to the tracks. No one was moving slower than Teddy who was like a snail crawling along.

All I could hope for was that we'd get camp set up by sunset. That we wouldn't have any outbursts or fights and we'd all make it home in one piece. That was a lot to hope for seeing as Teddy was a time bomb ready to explode. I was just wonder when we'd all have to run for cover.


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Here you guys go!**

* * *

We made it to the river quicker than I expected, however no one was really talking. I couldn't help but feel guilty. A few weeks ago it was all anyone could talk about and now the tension was so thick I could barely stand it. Vern was stomping so loud through the tall grass I could've hit him. "What the fuck are you doing?" Teddy snapped.

My stomach dropped; here it goes was all I could think. "I'm keeping the snakes away. They feel the vibrations and move. I don't wanna get bit." Vern explained. Teddy didn't look satisfied with his answer and muttered something I couldn't hear. The grass thinned out closer to the water and Chris helped Vern with his tent, while Teddy and I got stuff for the fire.

Chris wiped sweat from his brow, "Just like old times." He smirked at me. It wasn't like old times, I was practically sick to my stomach. I sat under the growing shade of a tree and lit up a cigarette. "Except this'll probably be the last time we're all together." His voice drifted away from me.

"Yeah, you and Gordo will be going to college." Teddy laughed, "Can't believe that, Chambers." Chris shrugged and settled down next to me.

"I had a lot of help." He was smiling at me.

"Shit, I'll rot here." Teddy frowned. He wasn't going into the military, he wasn't going anywhere.

"What about you Vern?" Chris asked.

"I might have a factory job after graduation, depends on if dad can swing it." He grounded out his cigarette. Teddy's face was void of emotion. "Gordie, you still gonna be a writer?"

"Dunno, maybe." I shrugged. I wish it was time to sleep already, the sun was sinking fast. The whole day cast in the blue hue of dusk. This was the end and it felt bittersweet.

"Chambers is just going to chase all that college tail." Teddy laughed. Chris grinned, but it wasn't real.

"Yeah, get all those skirts, won't know what the hell happened after I get a hold of them." He chuckled.

"Lucky." Vern sighed, "I'll be stuck with whatever rolls into town." Teddy stiffed at that comment, his hands curling into fists.

"How 'bout some dinner?" I grabbed for the bag with the food. Fumbling with the drawstring, Chris eyed me.

"Poor Verno, no new girls for him." Teddy chimed a glint in his eye. I pulled the pot out of the bag and got beans started. Silence fell over us, but not for long.

"Same goes for you." Vern piped up staring Teddy in the eye.

"I doubt you'll be any competition." He spat back.

"Yeah all the girls want to date the lunatic." Vern rolled his eyes and snatched a spoon from the pile. Teddy's face was gathering color, it looked worse in the fire light. His eyes bugging out of their sockets, I stirred the beans.

"Almost done." My voice faltered, Chris looked at me with wide eyes. Almost asking, 'What the hell is going on?'

"Like you want to date girls, you faggot." Teddy spat. He stared at Vern, something burning in his eyes. For a beat it seemed like everything froze for a moment. The surprised look on Vern's face, confusion on Chris, rage on Teddy, and electricity ran down my spine.

"The fuck is wrong with you Teddy?" Chris asked, eyeing him carefully. He was going to explode any moment.

"Nothing's wrong with me, ask that peter-puffer what his deal is! Acting like he isn't one. Fucking disgusting is what it is. You queer." He spat in Vern's direction. In no time flat Vern was on his feet and had Teddy by the throat. My mouth hung open in shock. I could barely process what was happening. Push-over Vern had Teddy by the neck.

"Take it back you motherfucker." Vern tightened his grip on Teddy. His glasses knocked askew, his toes barely touching the ground. Teddy was no match for Vern. Chris was up in seconds trying to pull Vern's hand away.

"Vern, take it easy man." His voice calm. "It's just Teddy being a dick like usual. Let him go." Vern wasn't listening, he pushed harder on Teddy's windpipe.

"Jesus Christ! Vern let him go!" I shouted my hand now tugging at his hand. "You don't want to do this Vern." Teddy's eyes were bugging out for a totally different reason now.

"Vern." Chris said he pulled his head towards him. They were eye to eye, giants in that moment compared to Teddy and I. "Let him go. Man, look at him he's turning purple. He's not worth it." Vern's arm drooped. Hand finally releasing Teddy, he stepped back and turned away from us.

"Fucking nutcase." Teddy rasped messaging his throat. He coughed until the veins in his temples bulged.

"What the hell just happened?" Chris asked staring at me. I attempted to shrug but before I could, "Something is going on and I want to know what the fuck it is. Jesus. Everyone hasn't been a psychopath for the past month for no goddamn reason."

"Gordie'll tell you." Vern said.

"You told Gordie? Of course you would. Gordie knows what it's like to be different, unloved." Teddy flopped onto the ground still coughing.

"Shut your mouth, you sack of shit." I growled.

"Can you stop and just explain?" Chris asked, his tone angry.

"Fine." I snapped. Vern was staring out towards the river, Teddy the ground. I didn't want to look Chris in the eye. So I took a deep breath and focused on the spot right behind him. "Vern got roped into a game of truth or dare or spin the bottle or some other shit at a party. Had too many and make out with Dan Yost. Teddy saw and got really pissed off and uncomfortable. Dan and Vern kept seeing each other and Teddy attempted to jump both of them, it wasn't a bar fight it was Teddy being ridiculous that day at school. Then Dan got scared away and Vern has been hoping that Teddy would keep his secret and stop hating him." I took a long breath. "Which Teddy appears to still have some bad blood?"

Chris looked at both of them. "Walking talking Jesus." He shook his head.

"It ain't natural." Teddy choked.

"Shut the hell up." Vern snapped.

"You shut the hell up." Teddy countered.

"Both of you shut it!" Chris yelled. "God, Teddy it's none of your business what Vern does. Vern isn't even 'with' Dan, so stop your shit."

"You're taking that queer's side?" Teddy huffed.

"How would you like it if someone called you queer?" I shot him a look.

"I'm not. Why would anyone call me that?" Teddy answered.

"Well you fucking faggot, queer, fudge packer, that's your best friend so shut your mouth and accept it. Or ignore it, does it really matter?" I gritted my teeth, "What anyone does behind closed doors is their business and not yours. Grow up, Teddy. There will be things you don't like or don't understand that you're going to have to deal with. Vern's not coming on to you so what the hell does it matter? Jesus. If he loves a guy, so? And if he loves a skirt, so? It's not your goddamn business!"

All three of them stared at me with gaping mouths.


	31. Chapter 31

The food in the pan was burning but I didn't give a damn, I turned my back on all of them and stalked off. "Who the hell pissed in his Wheaties?" Teddy taunted. I didn't even care, I headed further away into the dark.

"He's really ticked about it." Vern said his tone slightly confused, "I don't even know why he is though." I blocked out the rest of their conversation. The further away I got the cooler it got; I crossed my arm and navigated the tall grass with barely any light. I was so fed up with everything. Nothing was simple anymore, nothing was good.

I was far enough away that they couldn't see or hear me, so I sat down and stared out at the river. Smacking away hungry bugs, I finally rested my chin on my knee and sighed. Twenty minutes passed and I tried not to think. I just wanted to leave. I could hear someone walking towards me.

Chris appeared next to me, "I don't think they'll try and kill each other. So, remember when I told you not to worry?" He sat down.

"Yeah, seemed like a bad idea." I muttered.

"I'm sorry." He stared out at the water, cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

"I'm just sick of Castle Rock. I'm sick of assholes like Teddy. I just want it to be over. When I leave, what will happen? What if it's not any better? I'm tired of it Chris." I looked at him; I just wished things could be different.

"All that struck a nerve, Gordie, I know. But you have to get over stuff like that. Stop beating yourself up." He went to touch my arm and I pulled away.

"I'm not beating myself up; I'm just tired of this mess. It's exhausting. I know it, you know it. I'm done with being jealous and sneaking around and everything falling apart all the time." I clenched my jaw, I was not about to get emotional. "Teddy and Vern have been friends for ever and look at them now. What happens after we graduate, when we get to college, Chris then what? What are we supposed to do?"

"I don't know what to tell you anymore." He said looking me dead in the eye. "You think too much, you worry, you panic, and can't you just stop? You're the one who's tearing it all apart." His voice was so low l could barely hear him. I just stared at him dumbfounded.

"I'm not…" I couldn't come-back with a response. I just couldn't. While my brain mulled it all over, he was right. Even if I wasn't the one running off with girls, I took every chance I could to push him away. "What happened to us?" It seemed like a few months had aged us, made everything more real than it needed to be.

"A lot that shouldn't have." He got to his feet, flicking his cigarette and walked away from me. My heart sank down into the pit of my stomach and my chin wobbled. My chest hurt, I buried my face into my arms. Into warm darkness and sighed out sadness. I gave myself a few moments to compose before I headed back.

They were laughing, eating what I had burnt. Laughing, after Vern almost squeezed all the breath out of Teddy. I shook my head and settled down, joining in the conversation. We didn't bring up anything touchy, but it was hardly a relaxed banter. We continued for hours, sometime passed one Teddy finally conked out. Vern had dropped early, and Chris appeared to be asleep too.

I poked at the fire, which was only smothering bits of woods barely alive. I got up and wandered around in the dark for a while, listening to the crickets and frogs. I wasn't sure how anything was going to turn out anymore. I was sick of guessing and thinking. Sometime later, I was nodding off against at tree I heard a branch snap and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Calm down, it's just me." Vern answered. "I had to take a leak."

"Oh." I got up and went to head back to camp.

"Thanks Gordie, for standing up for me." He said, his voice clear.

"No problem Vern." I shrugged.

"I hope you're okay, I mean you seemed more pissed than I did." Vern shuffled, looking at his feet.

"I'm just fed up with guys like Teddy."

"Well, he'll never admit it, but when you and Chris were gone he apologized. I know he really meant it. I just hope everything cools down." He turned and headed further away.

"Me too, man, me too." I mumbled heading back to the faint light of a dying fire.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: So this is long and a little hard to understand considering I hadn't written in a while and the last couple chapters I put out Chris is bitter with Gordie, so I played upon that conflict. That's what I do. Thanks to the favorites and reviews! You guys are wonderful as ever.**

* * *

The next day we packed up and walked back into town. We joked along the way but it would never compare to when we were twelve. Once we reached where our old tree house sagged we broke apart going in different directions, calling goodbyes after each other. I stood there a little longer and watched them go; Chris turned and caught my eye. He didn't smirk he just glanced and headed away from me.

If Vern and Teddy weren't so close, I'd run after him. This time I just couldn't my feet wouldn't let me. I returned home a little more sunburnt and bug-bitten than the day before. "How was it?" My mom asked looking up from her magazine. I let my bag drop to the floor as I headed to the kitchen.

"Fine." I dug in the fridge for some left overs, left-over meat loaf. I stuffed it back in its foil and put it back.

"Doesn't sound like it went well." She was standing at the sink.

"It was okay, mom." I tried moving but she stared me down. "Okay, fine, it wasn't like it used to be." I admitted trying to get around her. I stood in the doorway. I wondered if she did this to Denny.

"You boys aren't kids anymore Gordie, people change." She let out a little sigh, "Nothing against Chris, but I thought you two would drift apart like Vern and Teddy." She opened a cabinet. "You want me to fix you some lunch?" I gave a faint smile.

"Yeah mom. That would be great." Chris and I growing apart, that's how it was now, we weren't best friends anymore. At least that's not how I pegged him. I sat down at the table while she made me a grilled cheese.

"Here you go, Gordie." She kissed the top of my head as she left me a glass of water and went back to her reading. Sometimes I had to wonder if she knew more was going on.

* * *

I was wandering around town after school one day, lunch had resumed as normal but all we could talk about was graduation now. No Vern-Teddy conflict, no mystery hickies, no obsessive girls. It was a weird calm. However, every time I asked Chris if he wanted to study he was busy. I later found out why.

While wandering I was in and out of a few shops, not really buying anything but looking through magazines until store clerks kicked me out. I was browsing in the back of a store when I heard his voice. "Those are great, seriously, you've gotta try 'em"

"Really?" Another voice responded. "I think you're just trying to get me to eat something disgusting." I put down my comic and peek through the aisles casually.

"Nah they're really good. Would I lie to you?" That voice paired with a smirk. I spotted them; I hid behind a cardboard cutout. Chris Chambers and Dan Yost, I swore I was standing on my stomach. I swallowed.

"I don't know you look a little shifty to me." Dan was touching his arm, in a way that guys don't touch. A smiled was on his face, he was flirting. I back up into a lady's cart.

"Watch it!" She growled. I jerk forward knocking over the cutout, Chris and Dan both stared at me as I lay sprawled out on the floor. My mouth opened for words but I couldn't find any.

"What the hell is going on over there?" The cashier barked. I scrambled to my feet and bolted out the door and down the street. I ducked into an alley; I leaned against a wall and breathed for a little bit. I leaned over; support my hands on my knees. My chest was tight, my throat stung. I wasn't jealous, jealousy brings anger. I couldn't stop the water dripping out of my eyes. I turned to face the back of the alley.

"Wasn't that your and Vern's friend? Denny's brother?" Dan asked. Footsteps coming closer to me, I walked further into the alley.

"Yeah, that was Denny's brother." His voice colder than usual, my chin wobbled more.

"I wonder why he didn't say hi. I've heard he's a little odd." Dan replied they walked past.

"A little less than normal." Chris commented. I wanted to turn around and tackle him to the ground and scream at him. To yell at him, about how 'normal' he was. Their footsteps faded, I poked my head out of the alley and watched them disappear around the corner. I sat down and reflected for a long time in that alley.

* * *

I made it home for dinner. I let my dad do all the talking and pushed my carrots around my plate. My brain would not shut off all night. I went to class exhausted. I'd experienced almost every negative emotion and I wanted it to end. My eyes burned holes in the back of Chris Chamber's head all morning. I lunch I skipped the line and went straight to the table and put my head down.

When things got hard, Chris turned to girls, now boys for comfort. At least that's what ripped through my head as my cheek pressed into the table top. "What's the matter Gordo?" Teddy asked.

"I didn't get any sleep last night." I groan. I wasn't exactly lying.

"Deep thinking?" He asked. Teddy didn't know squat about deep thinking. I raised my head to look at him. Neither Chris nor Vern were insight.

"Yeah, I guess." I shrugged avoiding his magnified eyes.

"Keeps me up sometimes." He stared into space. I could only imagine what was causing that vacant look in his eyes. He snapped back, "Sometimes things just tear you up inside. You think about them for a while and it really bothers you and then one day it doesn't matter anymore. I don't know if it's not important anymore, or you just stop giving a fuck." He picked up his burger and took a bite, chewing with a thoughtful expression on his face. Vern joined us quietly.

"Not eating, Gordie?" He asked sipping his milk. I almost didn't acknowledge his presence I was still trying to get over what Teddy had said. I never pictured Teddy to be 'deep', I mean sure the kid had a rough past but shit I didn't expect that to leave his mouth. I shook my head at Vern. "Where's Chris?"

"Don't know." I answered. I didn't care. I just wanted to make it through the end of the day without beating the snot out of him again. I didn't need another fight this year. As if Vern saying something made him appear out of thin air, there he was. Sitting next to me, I shot him a look.

"A couple of guys want to get a football game together, are you guys interested?" He asked. Teddy would get creamed if Chris was referring the jocks; they were big compared to Teddy and I. We'd end up with bruised ribs and dislocated shoulder blades.

"Football, sounds alright." Teddy said looking elsewhere, "I'll play if you need someone."

"I don't know." Vern looked unsure.

"It's just football, you're not gonna break, Verno. Jesus, you could probably take half the guys that'll be playing." Teddy joked. Vern smiled slightly to be back on Teddy's good side.

"What about you Gordie?" Chris turned his attention to the scene behind me, instead of looking in my eyes.

"Maybe. If I sleep before it." I answered bitterly. "Gotta take a piss." I excused myself abruptly.

"I'm eating!" Vern whined as I stalked away.

* * *

I successfully made it through the rest of my classes without incident. When the final bell rang I darted to my locker and had a guest waiting for me. Chris stared me down, "I need help with math."

"Good for you." I elbow past him to open its door and stuff books into my backpack.

"Gordie, I wouldn't tell you if I didn't." He slammed the door shut and grabbed the handle of my bag, causing me to jerk back.

"Maybe I don't want to help you." I spat, glaring at him.

"You don't mean that." His eyes were soft, for a second I could see the Chris I used to know.

"How would you know?" I huffed attempting to stalk away. He caught up to me.

"I promise no funny business. You gotta help me or I'll flunk this test and the final and I won't graduate." He pleaded.

I turned around, "Fine." I walked for a little bit, "After I help you, you leave. You don't stay for dinner, you don't butter up to my mom. You go home and stay there."

"Okay." He almost sounded defeated as he walked with me.

We got to my house, went upstairs and opened our books. I did example after example and it still wasn't working. He wasn't retaining anything. I was getting to my wits end, I was so tired. We took a snack from my mom and I told her Chris wasn't staying for dinner when he was in the bathroom. She had eyed me suspiciously but left us alone.

"You did number eighteen wrong again." I rubbed my eyes, tossing his notebook back down.

"I'm sorry." He said looking over my notes again.

"No you're not." Came out of my mouth before I could stop myself, I took in a big breath. I sounded bitter.

"We aren't talking about math, now are we? Thought that was against the rules." He rolled his eyes and pushed my notes away. "I knew this was a bad idea." He stood up.

"Should've asked Dan to help you." My mouth wouldn't stop. I had no filter. "He graduated. You're good pals, aren't you?"

"Shut up Gordie, you don't know everything." He said, "You might think you do but you don't. At least he doesn't piss and moan like you do." His voice was low, so my mom couldn't tell we were arguing.

"Yeah, and I'm odd. I heard you. Jesus Chris, what do you want from me? You say all these things and then when everything isn't okay you're in someone else's arms." I vented. I was standing, he was standing. He got so close and jabbed his finger into my chest.

"All you care about is yourself. If something goes wrong you push everything and everyone away. I shouldn't have kissed you. I should've just got over it and we wouldn't have to bitch at each other every couple weeks. We never fought until this and now that's all we ever do." He shook his head and turned away from me.

"That's right, you fuck us up. You ruined it all." I wanted him to feel as lousy as I did, but as soon as I said it, I wanted to eat my words. The look on his face broke my heart.

"Gordie." His eyes were getting watery, "You are one mean piece of shit. " He waved my comment away, "You always blame me. It's not all my fault."

"It's not my fault!" I countered.

"I'm sick of having that same fucking fight." He tried to compose but it wasn't working. Slowly he was crumbling, I could barely stand it.

"Dan. What's going on with Dan?" I asked, sitting on my bed. He was still standing in front of me.

"I just wanted to talk to him." He wouldn't look at me. "He thought I was interested. I just wanted to see what it was like; you know hiding it but not hiding it? He was so nice Gordie, he was kind. He's smoother than I am." His eyes focused on the floor. "It wasn't anything big, it didn't mean anything."

My hands were sweating and shaking, I wanted to vomit. "What wasn't anything big?" I dared to ask.

"You know." He said, Chris swallowed hard.

"No, I don't. Enlighten me." I could barely stand the feeling jolting through my bones.

"Why do you have to be such a prick about it?" He asked, still avoiding me.

"Why do you have to run to someone else?" I asked looking at my legs.

"We messed around nothing serious. Nothing at all. I felt so bad." He choked. "I-I can't stop this cycle."

"Every time we don't get along you have to run around on me?" I felt like I was punched in the chest.

"We are not together!" He spat. "You make that clear."

"When have I said it?" I asked I was going to crumble any moment.

"You don't have to say it." His wall fell, tears came. I didn't even think, I stood up and wrapped my arms around him and pulled him in tight. He tried pushing me away, but it was so weak. "I-I-I." He stumbled forward crushing me with an embrace.

"I fucked up, you fucked up." I faltered, I was crying too. I cried over Chris Chambers than I'd ever like to admit, but he was worth every damn tear that night.

"We have to stop this shit." He sobbed bitterly. I shushed him and we sat on my bed. My head on his shoulder, his head on my head and our arms intertwined.

"I know." I answered.

"I'm fucking serious Gordie, I can't take it anymore." He jerked away to look at me.

"So what are we going to do?" I asked.

"Promise me, no more of this crap. We stop all of this bullshit until graduation. We'll study, we'll talk but nothing until we finish. I can't stand it. I know you can't." He looked at me with swollen eyes, "Skin it." He held out his arm. I looked at it hesitant.

"What about us?" I asked looking him in the eye. "I mean what are we?"

"I guess we'll find out." He said with a tone of finality.

* * *

**Additional: See! See! It was tough to write.**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: I know some of you are DYING to find out what happens to Chris and Gordie, trust me the answers will unfold BUT I wanted something about Teddy and Vern to be put out there. So read on, and yes, I know I always make the O.C. be the bad guy.**

* * *

Chris had managed to put my head into a fury of thoughts. All the time I had to watch what I was doing. I'd been zoning out in class for days, lucky for me it was all review. The hype of the football game Chris was talking about buzzed around school. Multiple people asked if I was going to play.

I really didn't want to but Teddy pleaded with me, "Come on Gordie, it'll be fun. It's not even that pansy ass touch football." He looked really excited. He and I would no doubt become easy targets if we managed to get a hold of that ball.

"It's not really my thing, Teddy." I said shrugging.

"If Vern's playing, you're playing." He said with a tone of finality, "You have to."

"What's that supposed to me?" Vern asked looking offended.

"Fine." I sighed, rubbing my temples.

"You're clumsy, Vern you've got two left feet." Teddy shoved him slightly.

"He's like twice your size Teddy, he'll do fine." Chris chimed in. "Gordie, you don't want to be the only guy sitting on the sidelines watching with the girls do you?" He smirked.

"I said fine! Jeeze. If I break my leg or arm or something it's your guys' fault." I shot a look at both Teddy and Chris.

When that fateful Saturday came in that vacant lot on the outskirts of town I wished someone would've broken my arm the week before. Not just senior guys turned out for this game, guys Eyeball's age appeared ready to play, including Dan Yost. I sighed. "Why's he here?" Teddy mumbled.

"We are going to get creamed." I said with disbelief. If I got tackled by any number of those guys I'd be in bad shape. We all lined up on the freshly mowed field in our sneakers. Mark Rodgers was holding a football claimed he'd be one team's captain. He picked another jock friend of his Will Shanholtz to be another.

In the end Teddy and I ended up on the opposite team from Vern and Chris. We were two of the last picked. The number of people there was perfect for a team but Teddy and I were thrown out on the field. "Don't worry we'll get this." Dan said to me motioning between himself and Will. I could only hope.

It was so goddamn hot I could barely stand it. After the first couple plays everyone was drenched in sweat. "This is bullshit." Teddy said next to me, "Hot as hell and we haven't even touched the ball." Just then it came right for us, Will shot it over to us. I scrambled for it, it landed too perfectly into my hands and I hauled ass. I could hear the cheers from my team.

I was so close to making it to the goal line. Right as my left leg was crossing the line I was tackled pushed forward into a touchdown. There were plenty of boos and screams but my head was pounding my chin had slammed hard off the ground. I let go of the ball and rolled rubbing my face. Chris extended a hand to help me up. "Did you have to make me eat the ground?"

"Sorry, but congratulations!" He beamed and clapped me on the back as we headed back to the formation.

"Stop fraternizing with the enemy Chambers!" Mark scolded. By halftime we were down a field goal. Will was trying to do a sneak play but I didn't have any confidence in it. Teddy was supposed to sneak the ball but he'd already been tackled pretty sever; we had to call a timeout. Jack Anderson stole the ball from Teddy and passed it to Vern.

Who was quickly and aggressively taken down by Dan, Vern laid sprawled out on the ground. Dan's eyes got huge and he jumped away. "What?" Vern coughed, the wind had been knocked out of him.

"He's got a stiff one!" Dan shouted. Vern looked mortified.

"N-no I don't!" He got up and shouted back.

"Then what the hell jabbed me?" Dan looked at me.

"Tessio, I always pegged you for a queer." Jack laughed.

"I don't have a stiff one!" Vern yelled pushing Dan. Dan shoved Vern to the ground.

"You faggot." He reared his fist back getting ready to strike and Teddy was between them in seconds.

"You don't want to do that." Teddy said.

"Get out of my way, bat shit." Dan tried moving Teddy. Teddy socked him in the jaw and whipped out his switch blade.

"Take a step back Yost." He demanded. Dan looked at him, bewildered.

"I'd do what he says." Chris said. I helped Vern up.

"Look at him, he look like he's got a hard-on for you?" Teddy spat. Dan backed up a few steps and eyes the four of us.

"Who pulls a knife in the middle of football?" He asked looked to the other guys for support they all avoided his gaze.

"Who accuses some one of having a stiff dick after they tackle them?" Teddy growled. The others watched slightly shaken. "Seriously? That's fucked up."

"You're a goddamn psycho like your old man!" Dan shouted, "Your friend's a queer!" He turned away and stalked off.

"That's what you want Dan. You want him to be a fag like you!" Teddy challenged.

"Teddy…" Vern started but Chris shook his head.

"Say that to my face." Dan retorted.

"You're the one that walked away, but you're the fag." Teddy said fire in his eyes. Dan gritted his teeth. "Doesn't sound so great when it's you who being called it now does it?" After that camping trip Teddy must've done a lot of growing up.

"Put the knife down and we'll go toe to toe." Dan threatened. Teddy dropped his knife in the dirt. The sun beat down on us. Blood was boiling and it wasn't going to turn out pretty.

"Come on guys, let's just finish this game." Mark interrupted.

"Shut your mouth." Dan barked.

"Bring your shit." Teddy taunted. Chris stepped in between them.

"You gotta go through me. Shit talking on Vern." Chris said, Teddy nodded.

"And me." I got up there. Even if Dan could snap my leg like a twig I didn't care. I was sick of this bullshit, self-hate that he was projecting on Vern. Teddy and Chris stood firm behind me.

"But first you gotta take on me." Vern piped up. The four of us stood together under that hot sun. Dan backed down.

"Not worth it." He left. The game dispersed and Mark's team was declared the champions.

"That just wasn't necessary ." Will commented as we headed off the field.

"He's a little weird." Mark said. "Next time he's not playing."

"Sounds like a plan." Chris nodded.

"That was crazy shit, Teddy but it was cool of you to stand up for Vern like that." Will clapped him on the back.

"He's my best friend; some asshole isn't going to ruin his reputation around town." Teddy answered.

We had stood together that day. I never found out why Dan did what he did. Possibly because he thought Vern chose Teddy over him or he just wanted to get some heat off of himself. I didn't know. That Monday Chris and I were studying for our English final, "I'd pull a knife on someone for you." He said.

"I'd do the same, man." I nodded.

"I know you would." He flashed me a smile and went back to his work.


	34. Chapter 34

** A/N: So what are some of your favorite fandoms? Let me know. Shout out to all these new story followers, even bigger shout out those who've stuck through this fiction from the beginning. You all are extremely super awesome, with all the support and encouragements. **

All the tests were taken, lockers cleaned out, and caps and gowns were in. The halls buzzed with excitement. On the last day of class, the seniors had trouble keeping the jitters at bay. We all were bouncing off the walls with butterflies in our stomachs, hearts a flutter. It may sound lame but after busting my ass and having the year that I had I deserved to practically sprint out of the front doors and shout at the top of my lungs.

But I didn't. Somewhere in all the hoopla Chris, Vern, Teddy, and I all grouped together standing next to screeching peers as the final bell sounded. The familiar smell of summer was our signal of summer. I looked at the grins spreading across my childhood friends faces and I was remembered of an older time when we were just kids. Everything for a moment was better. Then it was ruined.

"Fuck this place." Teddy practically shouted, zooming out behind a mass of people. Chris went out behind him clapping classmates on the back. Vern and I were slightly more composed we managed to make it out of the school without throwing paper balls at underclassmen or pushing people off the steps. Across the street was where we gathered, Teddy jumping up and down spitting out words as fast as a madman.

"Shit that party tonight is going to be the best." Was at the tail end of his chatter, he eyed us for our responses. Vern shrugged.

"I don't think I'm going." He kicked at the sidewalk as we moved down the block.

"Why the hell not?" Teddy asked he pushed a trashcan into the road. Chris shot him a look, only to be ignored.

"I don't know, I mean Sunday's graduation. Dad and mom have plans early tomorrow morning; I don't want to go to breakfast all hung over." He sighed, looking anywhere but at anyone's face.

"Come on, just make an appearance, you don't have to get trashed." Chris compromised. Vern looked uneasy.

"Maybe." He turned the next corner walking faster than the rest of us.

"Gordie's going, you might as well." Teddy reasoned.

"Yeah, Gordie can't hold his liquor worth shit. I always end up taking him home after he pukes on my shoes near the bushes." Chris and Teddy's laughter squawked around me.

"Bullshit." I called, even though it was completely true.

"All right, whatever. I might be there." Vern smirked.

"Atta boy!" Teddy clapped him on the back hard and shook his shoulder. "We'll all meet at my place and walk there at nine." He grinned, "It'll be great." He sped off towards his house, "See you jerk offs later."

Vern shook his head, heading towards the alley that would lead to his street, "Maybe I'll catch you guys later." His voice uncertain as he broke away from us headed home.

"I won't barf on your shoes tonight." I told Chris.

"I'm going to hold you to that Lachance." He smirked socking me in the shoulder. I hoped that was a promise I could keep.


	35. Chapter 35

By the time I made it to Teddy's, Chris and Vern were already there. All of us dressed nicer than before, sucking on breath mints. Vern still had an uneasy look on his face. I had a hunch he was thinking about the last party he was at, with the whole Dan thing. I wanted to tell him not to worry but Teddy got really pissed every time someone even said Dan's name.

So I just clapped him on the back, "You only have to make an appearance, man." I said low enough that Chris and Teddy couldn't hear. He looked at me and attempted to smile. We set off on foot to Paul Kider's house, which was across town close to the highway. As we walked Teddy jabbered on about how great it was going to be.

I didn't personally know Paul; he was a woodshop kid that had boasted about how cool this party was going to be for weeks. The whole senior class was invited along with half of the school's female population, which wasn't surprising he had quite the reputation. "The amount of skirts there is going to be crazy." Teddy grinned as we crossed through the center of town.

The rest of us let him do the talking and by the time we reached the block before Paul's house you could already hear the dull whine of rock music. There were girls and beer everywhere and a lot of kids were buzzed and had that far off gaze set in their eyes. Teddy disappeared after we got in the door. Vern, Chris, and I stuck close to each other. We navigated through the bodies and managed to get something from the keg in the kitchen. It smelled like sweat and too much perfume mixed together, I almost gagged on my beer.

Girls dressed skimpy paraded through the house in little clusters, batting eyelashes and slopping liquid out of their cups. It was still cold at night but that didn't stop them from running in and out the back door in their shorts and t-shirts, giggling the whole time. "Vern!" Paul appeared out of nowhere, tall with blonde hair and two girls clinging to his shirt like baby squirrels.

"Hey man." He said looking up from his beer.

"Awesome that we don't have to deal with Harness anymore." He beamed; Mr. Harness was the shop teacher who was missing at least three fingers. Vern nodded and took a long drink. "Anyway, Vern I got some girls I want you to meet." He steered Vern away from us. He gave us a worried look as Paul took him away.

Every so often people would stop next to us and talk about college and how excited they were. I'd nodded and drain my cup a little more. After an hour or so and more than a couple of refills my head was starting to swim. I moved away from Chris and the people he was talking to. I wondered around for a little bit. Some mousy girl I was in English class stopped me to talk, she kept touching my arm.

My throat was getting tight and sadness was draining into my belly. I didn't want her to touch my arm, but she kept doing it anyway. She got really close and talking really low but I couldn't hear over all the other people, the music, and the fog clouding the front of my brain. Her breath was in my ear and I moved away, letting her hands drop back to her. I hugged the banister as I climbed the stairs.

I stumbled around trying to open doors that were locked, people kept shouting from behind them at me. I couldn't find the bathroom, I just wanted to put my head on something cold and level like tile. The first door I could open was a closet and as I went to step inside, "Gordie, what are you doing?" It was Chris staring at me like I was crazy. I ignored him, looking at him was going to make me feel worse. I shut the door and sat down under some coats with my ass on someone's pile of shoes.

"Gordie." He said outside the door. I told him to go away, at least I think I did, but he kept saying it over and over. I was holding on to the doorknob. He finally wriggled it enough that I let go. He looked down at me.

"Go away." I said, but he leaned over and stuck his arms under my armpits and hauled me out of the closet. "I want my face to be cold.." I said as he slung my arm over his shoulders. Chris pounded on the bathroom door, no one would open it. He steered me down the steps and outside to the concrete porch. He sat me down and I lay down. My face finally cold, we were on the front porch with no one else around. Every one of them drunk inside where the music was too loud and hot, I was relieved.

"I'm so upset." I said, I was faced away from Chris. He rubbed my shoulder.

"Why?" He asked.

"Because I ruined everything." I mumbled. He went to tell me something but I interrupted. "I need to go to the bathroom."

"We're outside, go." He said, his voice sounding frustrated.

"I need a toilet." Sweat was breaking out on my forehead. He helped me get up and lead me down to the basement. Down through the laundry room we went, it was deserted. There was a door that he opened and clicked on the light revealing a toilet and a sink that reeked of bleach. My stomach churned and I burped. Chris closed the door behind us.

"Well go on." He insisted. So I whipped my pants down and sat on the toilet and peed. "You needed a toilet for this? You could've pissed outside."

"I didn't want to stand up and fall and break my dick." I said. I was to the point of drunk that my mouth was numb. I flushed and washed my hands. He laughed at me.

"Only you Gordo, only you." Chris shook his head. Only then did I realize how drunk he was as he leaned in to kiss me. Alcohol fumes entering my nose, he was so close. The sound of the door swinging open nearly made me shit right there. My heart stopped as I saw Vern standing there staring at us.


	36. Chapter 36

With a dull thud Vern's cup fell out of his hand, beer racing from its mouth and adsorbing into the rug near the sink. His eyes were as big as dinner plates and my heart was thudding so fast I thought it was going to explode. He stammered and went to turn around but Chris grabbed his shoulder and hauled him into the tiny bathroom with us. He managed to shut the door and lean against it blocking the only escape route.

Denny once told me how you could go from being falling down drunk to shockingly sober in less than an instant. I'd asked him about one of his late nights down by the river, everyone was laughing and having a good time until some kids decided it was a perfect time to go swimming in the summer warm water. However, one kid couldn't swim. The screaming and splashing, arms flailing above water and head sinking down, adrenaline kicked in and a couple of boys including my brother jumped in to save the guy. Every last one of them felt as sober as a bird.

I understood what Denny was talking about, not that anyone was about to drown to death. Vern stared at us like we each had five heads, his lips moving but nothing coming out. Chris looked like he was about to faint. I wanted to vomit. Vern began to stutter.

"Is this why you were so…comforting?" He looked at me, confusion swimming behind dilated pupils.

Chris shot me a look, wondering how much I had told Vern. I avoided his glare, "Vern you have to understand I didn't tell anyone about anything. Not about you, not about me, and not about Chris." I said, "Jesus, everything is so fucked up."

"So how long?" He looked between Chris and me.

"Vern it's not like…that." Chris began; he slid down the door avoiding the spilt drink. "Gordie and I have this situation with each other."

"What he's trying to say is, we like each other but like girls too?" I tried to reason in my own head. Vern kind of nodded looking dazed.

"Well, uh…congratulations?" He said shrugging, moving towards the door. Chris stumbled to get on his feet.

"Woah, easy." He helped up his hands, "You gotta promise not to tell."

"Teddy found out about me, I told Gordie, you found out, Dan tried to tell everyone about me but you guys get to sneak around with it?" Vern asked Chris. "I had one weird night of confusion that lead me to a weird fling that pretty much made one of my best friends hate me while you two get to run around and not have to deal with any of it?" He was frustrated.

"What do you mean we don't have to deal with any of it?" Chris snapped, "You don't know. Shit half this fucking year we've hated each other!" He looked at me briefly. Vern focused on me.

"Is that true?"

"Yeah, it is." I looked away from both of them. "Can we not talk about this? Ever again? I mean this was all a big mistake anyway." I didn't want to talk about it anymore. It was making me really uncomfortable. By then Chris had moved away from the door enough and I pulled it open and slipped out, Vern and Chris calling after me.


End file.
